Third Anonymous Letter

Third Anonymous Letter

I was so concentrated on describing my feelings that I totally forgot to tell you about the third anonymous letter. Exactly like the first one, it was sent to me via social media. The good thing about it was that she did not send it to me to my working email, when she did it for the second time.

The whole thing rises million questions, but probably the main one is Why on earth to contact someone for 3 times? Why was she keeping up doing it? What was her motive? I personally do not think it is a mentally health act. One letter telling me that my boyfriend is a cheater and a liar is more than enough.

If previous times she sounded ‘nice’ and ‘helpful’, this time she was full of aggression towards me, writing that “he cheated all this women” and he for sure will do it to me and wrapping it up with “GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!! IF YOU ARE SO BLIND!!!!!”. That was way too expressive, for some reason she really wanted us to break up.

I was already so exhausted with it all, that I simply could not care anymore. More than that, I knew she was right about him, but why to put her hatred towards me?

I immediately called my boyfriend and said that I got a new letter, it was our agreement that I will inform him. Instead of support, he became furious and basically turned it so that it was my fault.  No searching for solution to the problem, no protecting me from the psychic. Nice…

Many times I tried to talk to him about the whole thing, but I hardly could get a reply. A bit later, he came up with some story that it is his crazy ex and she asked him to return 6oo euros to her, but he refused. After that (according to him), she started going insane. I really doubt that a woman who has a respectful job and decent income will drop on that level. I do believe that a woman writing anonymous letter should have a way stronger motivation…

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The Time Before I Left

The Time Before I Left

Several days left before my trip to another country, before my escape from pain and disrespect. I am not a mean person, on the contrary, I always was afraid to hurt people. But this time, I did not care how my boyfriend felt. More than that, I was happy I gonna hurt him, in a way it was his karma for playing lie games to me and obviously other women.

It is unbelievable how confident he was just before I announced about my trip. He was so sure I won’t leave him, that I am attached and dependant. He thought he could get away with his broken promises about engagement and moving in together, bullsh#t about his life, and of course the information provided in those anonymous letters. He was an expert, he was a professional in lies, he got used to manipulate, but this time he failed. I was a step ahead.

He were still in touch, but he was really frustrated, this was not what he expected. He still were telling me he loves me. He walked me to the departure bus, he was silent, I tried to suppress my happiness. Mentally I was away.  I simple wish I had done it much earlier…

Telling him that I am leaving

Telling him that I am leaving

We were still together officially. Like always in borderline situations, he became more attentive and caring. He started bullsh#itting with new power. He was asking me what his family should do with a summer cottage and if they should sell it. It was so bizarre. I never was interested in the property of other people and the last thing I would do is to interfere with my opinion. My boyfriend said that I am a part of the family and my opinion counts. He also said we should already  buy tickets to southern France to spend next summer vacation there, and it was only August. Nice to prepare a year ahead… It was the point when the circle closed. When we just started dating, the first promised which never came true was a trip to France for 2 weeks. We never went to France.

It was 3 days left before my departure, and he still did not have a clue. It was the time to tell him about my plans. On that day, he came to my place for a dinner. He brought pills against throat ache (I had a flu) and dying cheap flowers. Such flowers are usually on 50% discount in shops. The flowers were getting dry and the life was abandoning them. The flowers were the symbol of our relationship. My boyfriend was so happy and proud of himself. He truly believed that these pills and flowers were the final things to fix our relationship, the last drop we were lacking. He sincerely believed I would melt…

But I didn’t. We ate and I said to him that I am leaving for my favourite country. He was shocked, he was so sure I am fully hooked with his lies. He knew my finance situation was pretty weak, and the last thing I would do is travelling. He could not believe I would do it, me who was so silent and seemed to absurb it all. He started humbling that 3 days is a short notice and my friends there simply won’t time for me. There were many little excuses. But I was going. He was speechless. I felt relief.

Still Dating

Still Dating

I basically kicked him out. I could not see him. Enough is enough, what another proof is needed? No, no, done!

Can you imagine my surprise when my boyfriend called me and asked how I am doing with a usual happiness in the voice? Like nothing happened! He continued talking as if everything is perfect. I could not react either because of pain or shock. But I had to react, I just did not want to experience that lies and games any more.

I asked him why he is calling me. He predictably replied that he loves me and misses me. It seemed that amnesia happened to him, and he does not remember about engagement and moving in promises.

He called me later again, but this time I simply did not reply, it was over. There was nothing which kept us together anymore. I did not have energy for anger, argument, tears. I wanted silence.

He started sending me the pictures where we are together, where we look so happy. When you try to overcome a break up, this act hurts like a knife, it makes it even more painful. But why to return me? Why to call me, send pictures? What is the purpose? Later on, some of my male friends explained it in the following way: “I can imagine someone doing this if he wants to have a private space, have fun, or possibly to search for a new woman, at the same time still having a girlfriend is good for status, it is also availability of regular sex and nice food”. The idea of it sounded horrible, but it was the reality. I remember my ex telling this: “Yes, I will live separately, but we will have dinners together here (at my place), it will be fun”.

My ex did not want to give up. He called, texted, and what was worse once he knocked my door. He looked so miserable and he was blaming me for ruining this relationship, for doubting in him. I did not have energy to fight. I said ok. I had a trip in 2 weeks, and I knew that was the end.

Moving Together or?

As I already wrote, my boyfriend was extremely happy when I was back from my trip. He was so caring and loving that I got even more suspicious about him than ever. So little time was left before us moving together. So little time and no discussions occurred about it recently. Now I started to feel the connection between his ‘love’ and no conversations about moving in.

It took three days before it all became clear why he was so attentive. We were having dinner at my place. At some point, my boyfriend became extremely nervous and he said we should talk about moving together. I already knew what we was going to say, I just waited under which source he will introduce it.

“It will be better that I move to this city and live for the beginning on my one. Then, gradually we can build something together. I always hurried in my previous relationships, and they failed. I want to take it slow this time. Nothing changed, I really love you”, that is exactly what was said to me. OH, SERIOSLY???!!!!  DAMN, YOU TALKED ABOUT ENGAGEMENT FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, YOU TALKED ABOUT MOVING IN TOGETHER. I NEVER AKSED YOU TO!  YOU WERE ‘MAKING LOVE’ TO MY BRAIN FOR SO LONG!

I had a lot of curses and questions in my head, but I could not pronounce a thing, I did not cry, I did not shout. I breathed in and out and asked him to leave. Right now.

His Love is Back

His Love is Back

I was back to my routine, so were his feelings. I spent a week in my home country, thought things over, and booked the trip to my favourite place without letting my boyfriend know. My boyfriend met me the next day after my return, he looked so happy to see me. He was hugging me all the time as if I was a teddy bear. It felt even nice, and I squeezed the love back to him. He was repeating over and over again that he is so happy that I came back. I silently smiled. It all was so bizarre, anonymous letter, failed engagement, and the constant talk about his feelings to me. It all looked so different now. I did not buy it any longer, but I pretended in doing so. Why? I was sure that there is a heavy reason for him to bullshit with a new strength. I knew there was an intention behind it. I waited so long for truth to come out, I can wait for a couple of days more to see what it all is for.

Distance is a Friend

Distance is a Friend

I was away, away from my routine, away from a shady boyfriend, from unpleasant reality. I was face to face with my thoughts, I saw the situation from a different angle now. There was nothing but a numb feeling, no pain, no tears, but full supression and heaviness in the head. No one wants to wake up one morning and realize that she was a toy in someone’s hands, that the phrase ‘I love you’ means nothing, and which is worse, the anonym all this time was trying to save me from the fortune that she had herself with that man.

What was he doing when I was away? Where was he? With whom? Was there any other girl to whom he said the same things?

I ran out of money on my phone, and I did not recharge it. I really needed this silence, and I did not want to talk to him. In silence, I realised that I gave up so many things I loved so much for this relationship to succeed. It was costly to travel to the city he lived in, I did not see my friends because he was too exhausted to meet anyone. I did not travel to my favourite country because he was so jealous about it. But what for were all these sacrifices?

Not visiting my favourite country, the place will cure all my problems and my soul, the place where I will much more home than in the real home, was a betrayal towards me. I knew that if I buy tickets to the opposite corner of Europe, he will be furious. He will blame me for ruining our relationship, questioning his love to me, and simply acting like a b#tch.

So, I booked the flights for September..