My last post was about feeling a devil inside. It was crazy, and self-destructive in a way. More than a week ago, I was out. Crazy dancing, much alcohol, flirting with man, tell lies about who I am, etc. Most of people did the same, but in a younger age. I am so delayed with all that. The night was insane. On the way home, I fell and hurt my knee and leg so badly. I still hardly can work, and the bruise is huge! I just hope it all will go away in a couple of weeks… In the morning, to top it all, I had sex with a Spanish guy. Yes, it’s insane. I was so much in pain, and he was so much hangover, but we still did it. What is more insane, we did not spend the night together, he came in the morning…That was the result, the pick of self-destruction which was not only mental any more. It got physical.
How unfair and disrespectful it is towards myself. I fully understand it, but I feel nothing, I don’t feel good, and I don’t feel bad. I am numb. I need a break from parties. I need to take care of myself. So quickly, I made a circle and returned to the stage when I was writing about self-care. I have to be back on track. I need to it healthy, to dress beautifully, to have positive thoughts, and RESPECT MYSELF. If I do not respect myself, no one will. The fact.
I still have a strange attitude to men, I still want to revenge them. For now, I call to my common sense and stay away from men. I can’t predict how well it will go, but I will try.
There are 2 decisions I came up :
- no alcohol any more. I will stick to 0 or maximum 1 glass of wine. I drink only when I go out, so during working days, it is not a problem at all. What’s gonna happen, when I will go out? No clue… But I made my decision.
- no sex. No, I am not becoming a nun. No sex with random people, sex only with a man for whom I have feelings and who feels the same to me. Then, it is right, then, it is not sex, it is the physical expression of feelings.
This is my philosophy for now.