This was expected to happen. Spanish guy texted and offered to have sex. I don’t know why I am surprised about it. Maybe because I draw some lines for myself, which include not having sex with a man who is not interested in me. I am angry at him, and at the same time I want to do it. Yes, it is a normal reaction from my side. I just should resist, but there is a problem. I damaged my leg two weeks ago, and it is not improving. This week was home all the time, I am bored and angry that I can’t do what I got used to do – sports, going out, meeting friends, even normal food shopping. I hardly talked to any person. At any other moment, it will be so easy to say ‘no’, but not now. He tried to persuade me already twice, I managed to refuse. If he asks for the third time, I will agree…
I know I shouldn’t.. But why not? We already crossed the line, and this time won’t change anything. Any way, I am in the process of recovery and all my promises/borderlines will be in force as soon as I am back to normal life… Damn…
When I have arrived to the airport, I switched on the phone. There was a message from my boyfriend saying: “Have a safe flight”. I replied: “Thank you! Already back to ###”. You may believe, you may not, but it was our last conversation… ever! I did not want to talk to him. As for him… I do not know, maybe the same, or maybe it was the way to check me, how I will act. But it does not matter.
After a couple of weeks he deleted me from social media. I was so happy that I did not have to confront him, that I did not have to talk to him, to explain anything. Yet, it was weird, it was a passive-aggressive act from his side. I do not think I know any man who will break up this way.
Finally, it was all over.
Interestingly, I still did not know the truth…
It was the day of departure. My boyfriend and I still were communicating like nothing happened. We both were closing our eyes on reality, I was avoiding serious conversations, he ignored the idea I was leaving. But it all was clear.
When I landed in my favourite country, I felt the relief. I was in the best place of the world, in the place where I feel more home than actually at home. I was in euphoria despite the enormous tiredness.
I was away for 10 days. What happened? How did it change my life?
Sometimes, being far a way from routine is already a good problem solution. I could see things from outside and I did not want to get back inside ever again. My ex was texting me the stuff that he loves me and misses me so badly. I was replying but I could not any more react on this. Enough is enough. He started asking me in his messages if I miss him. I ignored this. He was checking when I go to bed and wake up via some applications which show the last time you have been online. I was cold, I did not explain anything.
I had a friend there, we never had a chance to learn much about each other. This year we spent most of the time together. I remember sitting in the cafe with him and feeling not even tension but thunderstorm. My mouth was dry, hands – sweaty, legs – heavy, eyes – foggy, when he was near. The passion took over. The passion I never knew exists. The biggest connection I felt. I could not imagine the two can really be the one.
As I already wrote, my boyfriend was extremely happy when I was back from my trip. He was so caring and loving that I got even more suspicious about him than ever. So little time was left before us moving together. So little time and no discussions occurred about it recently. Now I started to feel the connection between his ‘love’ and no conversations about moving in.
It took three days before it all became clear why he was so attentive. We were having dinner at my place. At some point, my boyfriend became extremely nervous and he said we should talk about moving together. I already knew what we was going to say, I just waited under which source he will introduce it.
“It will be better that I move to this city and live for the beginning on my one. Then, gradually we can build something together. I always hurried in my previous relationships, and they failed. I want to take it slow this time. Nothing changed, I really love you”, that is exactly what was said to me. OH, SERIOSLY???!!!! DAMN, YOU TALKED ABOUT ENGAGEMENT FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, YOU TALKED ABOUT MOVING IN TOGETHER. I NEVER AKSED YOU TO! YOU WERE ‘MAKING LOVE’ TO MY BRAIN FOR SO LONG!
I had a lot of curses and questions in my head, but I could not pronounce a thing, I did not cry, I did not shout. I breathed in and out and asked him to leave. Right now.
I was back to my routine, so were his feelings. I spent a week in my home country, thought things over, and booked the trip to my favourite place without letting my boyfriend know. My boyfriend met me the next day after my return, he looked so happy to see me. He was hugging me all the time as if I was a teddy bear. It felt even nice, and I squeezed the love back to him. He was repeating over and over again that he is so happy that I came back. I silently smiled. It all was so bizarre, anonymous letter, failed engagement, and the constant talk about his feelings to me. It all looked so different now. I did not buy it any longer, but I pretended in doing so. Why? I was sure that there is a heavy reason for him to bullshit with a new strength. I knew there was an intention behind it. I waited so long for truth to come out, I can wait for a couple of days more to see what it all is for.