April Update

April Update

It was a long time since my last post. So, here are some updates on my new rules:

  • no alcohol

This goes smoothly. I did not drink at all, and it was so easy to stay away from drinking. I see this so differently now. Drinking for me was in a way self-hurting and masochistic, and now I do like myself and I do not want to hurt me in any way.

  • no sex

No sex without feelings will be better to say. Nothing happened in this area, too. I was away from it because I did not meet the guy I really like and who likes me as well. Being with a guy just for sex is kind of rape over self, I just don’t understand how I could do it before. No wonder there were crazy men and weird situations happening to me all the time, this is what you get when you do not have any self-respect.

My leg still did not recover, but it is much better now. I take it easy, I finally do care of myself, I eat healthy and do yoga. To be honest, I am still weak on this. I feel that I am just on a way to strong self-respect and self-awareness. But if I look back on me even just one months ago, I see difference.

My warm wishes,

K.

 

Night Tells Wisdom

Night Tells Wisdom

I resisted! Well… I am lying. He just went back to his city, and this saved from a mistake. I would have felt worse after that. Enough self-destruction!

Friday evening. I am home alone with my crazy thoughts. It is exactly one of those moments when I start thinking a lot and it goes all wrong way. I haven’t had these moments for a long time. My leg is not fine, it is not recovering. I have to take care of it, so that it is fine, to look at its size, color, temperature. I am scared like small children are, but they have their mummy next to them to say that everything will be alright.

I can call to my mom via skype, but I don’t want to. Then, I will have to tell her that I am not fine. She will ask why and how it happened. And I don’t want to tell how, I don’t want to worry her.  She will be so worried that it will only make me feel worse and more scared. I know it sounds strange, but my mom always strengthen my feelings. It is good when I am happy, but when I am scared or depressed, it doesn’t help.

I blame myself in what has happened to me. I just hope it is a good lesson, and I will recover soon! Only getting in these kind of troubles, when I just sit at home (I hardly can walk)  and worry, I realised what a great life I had, I could go to work, to do food shopping, go the the bank, post office. It is a real happiness! I know it sounds strange. We are tired of those things, we hate them. But I changed my mind now. Those thing are real life, yes, hectic, but it is happiness just to walk…

I want to share the lesson I just learnt! The life is great, and the most important thing is heath! Never complain as long as you are healthy,  and you can afford to buy at least bread!

 

Strange Men Around

Strange Men Around

As I already mentioned in my previous posts, I decided to stay away from men for awhile and take care of myself. And I follow my plan.

A while ago, in summer, on Instagram I got a message from a man. He is a professor in my favourite country, he lived sometime in the country I live now, and he is in love with my home country (sounds a bit complex, sorry!). We started chatting and he added me on facebook. We had short conversations, nothing personal, more related to the academic life.

Two weeks ago, that man texted me and informed that will be a visiting professor for a week in the country I live, and he asked if I have time to meet and chat. On Friday last week, I was in that city (it is very close to the city I live in) and I said that we can meet. For me it was all a friendly meeting with the smart educated man I never saw in my life. So, I did not consider the meeting romantic in any away.

We met in a cafe, and he said he will pay my coffee. I wanted to pay myself, but I accepted his offer because the sum was minimal and it is normal for men to pay for a woman in his country. We had a really nice conversation about academic life in general. He was easy to communicate with, again I did not consider him as a potential affair because he was simply not in my taste, he was too old for me (14 years older) and because I needed time to be alone. More than enough.

But something went wrong! No, not from my side! I missed the point when a friendly meeting turned to a date! I felt awkward! I did not know how to react!

So, I said to him that my bus leaves in 2 hours. He said that I should eat something before that. Make sense, right? He pushed me to go to a restaurant instead of grabbing a sandwich. Well.. ok… it is a proper meal then. He pushed into taking a glass of wine with the meal, it is Friday after all! Time to pay has come. Of course, I planned to pay my part myself. But he did not allow. The waiter came, and the situation got really awkward. I was forced to accept that he pays.. That was a real psychological game going on…

After he paid, he took my hand and started telling me how awesome I am, how happy he is to meet me, that I am smart and beautiful and.. he feels strong connection between us.

WHAAAAAT? I do not feel any connection, I feel ANTIconnection after those words. I was so shocked and I remained silent.. He continued his speech that he wants to read the books I read and other bullsh#t. Of course, he wanted me to stay and not go back. I had a second to create a reason I need to go. I do not even remember what I came up with. Does not matter.

Luckily, it was the time to go to the bus station. He wanted to go there with me, I was telling him that there is no need, but he was very pushy.

Damn… the bus is laaaaaateeee! I want to leave now!!!!

Then, he hugged me and try to kiss, I turned away. He kept hugging me, I squeezed out from his hand. It all was happening in a crowded place. I did not want to him to approach me but he did not read the message. He continued interfering my private space and I continued to push him away. It was so awkward. I did not want to make a scene in a public place.

The bus came, and he hugged me again, saying that he adores me so much and then he said: “It was clear it’s gonna work for us already before, but now I am sure. I am back in April, and we must do something together then”. WHAAAT?

I have 2 explanations: either he is mental or he is a terrible manipulative person. He is so smart and educated that I hardly believe that he did not realize what he was doing. His social skills are also fine, we met so many his friends, and they were really happy yo see him.

It is unbelievable but he exactly reminded me my ex who was telling me the same loud word so quickly. This type of men have women in different cities and actively bullsh#t to them, so that next time they are in town they have a quality company.

What really surprises me is their self-esteem! They think if they tell a woman that they are seriously interested, the woman will met down… sorry, no!!!! Women are different, and nowadays to get married is not the main goal.  More then that… Have you seen yourself in a mirror? I am not attracted!

Unlike my ex, this man was even more dangerous because he was super good in manipulations. He gradually turned a friend-type meeting into a date.. and he did a lot to suppress my will!

And yes, the blame is on me, too. I should have been stronger! He just noticed that I am a nice person who does not make scenes in public and who is very soft. I can’t believe I let it happen. This just supports what my friends told me: “There are always weird men around you”. I have to admit, yes, there are. And the problem is that I let it happen. I do need time to make myself stronger, so this will never happen again.

 

Will I ever be loved?

Will I ever be loved?

It is killing me that he does not care. He is cold, and with his behaviour he was just screaming: I don’t need you!

Finally, I let it go. At least, I hope I did.

Gradually, I start realizing that when is the time to give up.

The other thing which I recently realized.. is that there was no man who was in love with me. I was dating, I was seeing someone, but they never treat me seriously. Some of them told me that they did, but it was a lie. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am educated, quite good-looking, I take care of myself, I do care of my reputation. But that’s not enough obviously.

They so easily lost interest and they so easily walked away. I never could stuck in any one’s hear..

I heard that if you don’t love yourself, no one will. Maybe I just don’t love myself? Maybe I simply don’t appreciate myself?

For now, I need to overcome the pain and learn to love myself…

Dating Stories

So, what is wrong with the guys I met for a date?

Nothing!

Why not to continue communication then?

Well… As I wrote in my previous post, I decided not to if I spot anything strange or anything which does not suit me.

What was strange?

They are not just my type. No chemistry. It is so individual. In my case, it is so if I do not feel anything straight away, I never will. Now, I know this for sure.

Another thing… some of them have poor social skills and bad self-esteem. I am not a mean person, I do not make fun of others. No way! But I do not like to feel awkward either when they make a weird comment or an act. The other problem with this type is they are too attached, they want to rush into something as if it is the last chance.

Or… on the opposite, too high self-esteem.

I had a friend who asked me out, we met at the university course more than 5 years ago. We were in touch every now and then, but it never got any romantic and we never crossed the line.

We met for a drink, and it all was pretty much in a friendly way. Nothing extra, no flirt. He was talking so much of his good self-esteem, and that he feels so much better when he got on that level. I have nothing to argue with, but why on earth a confident person will repeat it over and over again? Strange…

Then, he drove me home and said that he will come for a tea. I did not invite, I did not give a hint I want any continuation of the evening, and I openly said about it. He said – just tea. I was very confused but said ok. Then, he took a guitar from the car… At this moment, he looked like a macho, so full of himself.

When tea was preparing, he was playing. He felt that he saved me from loneliness, that he is such good company for me to spend the evening. How can some men be like that? Can he even imagine that I am not interested and that I simple do not want him?

Of course, after the tea he kissed me.. I did not feel like replying on his kiss. He was so surprised about it! Then, he told me that I have some problems because guys like him are so seldom make a first step (ladies should chase him, this basically  was what he meant).

.I asked him to leave.

 

Being Single

Being Single

Since then, several months have passed.

There are people who jump from one relationship to another one, I am definitely not among them. For me, it is always very hard to start. Yes, I did dating for the last couple of months, but it was basically one date per a ‘candidate’. I remember how much I laughed when I saw a meme several years ago “after a definite age dates resemble job interview”. Damn, the person who said it is genius because it is exactly how I feel now. I don’t want to continue communication if I immediately see things which do not suit me or if there is something strange about the person. But seriously! Why? I will waste my time, I will not be honest with a man. In some cases, it is also a question of self-respect, people do not change. Why should I give a chance to a player for example? Yes, he can be hot, smart, it will be fun for a week or 2, but what next?

I do not want to do anything self-destructive, this is the feeling you get by definite age. Unfortunately, I got it quite late. I was always very naïve believing relationship is something simple if two are working on them and that a person will change. But it is not so.

There are so few people in this huge world which suit us, and it’s damn difficult to find them. Where do they walk, where do they work, where do they live? What if they live somewhere abroad?

In my next posts I will tell you more about my dating and more elaborations.

 

The Return

The Return

When I have arrived to the airport, I switched on the phone. There was a message from my boyfriend saying: “Have a safe flight”. I replied: “Thank you! Already back to ###”. You may believe, you may not, but it was our last conversation… ever! I did not want to talk to him. As for him… I do not know, maybe the same, or maybe it was the way to check me, how I will act. But it does not matter.

After a couple of weeks he deleted me from social media. I was so happy that I did not have to confront him, that I did not have to talk to him, to explain anything. Yet, it was weird, it was a passive-aggressive act from his side. I do not think I know any man who will break up this way.

Finally, it was all over.

Interestingly, I still did not know the truth…