Chill Sunday

Chill Sunday

Next day he texted me and apologised for the accident with the car. I did not really care about the car, I was confused with the bipolar behaviour he exposed towards me.

He asked if I am available in the evening, due to my stupidity and unwillingness to play games, I agreed to meet.

He was very nice and warm, very attentive and gentle. We went for a walk in the park, we looked like we are in love, he was holding my hand, hugging me.

I asked him if he will drive me to the south of the country next weekend, he said yes.

He drove me home, in the car, in front of my staircase, he started talking about his favourite movies. Strangely, I felt so disconnected.. I just wanted to end the conversation, to go home…

I was already in bed, checking my Facebook, and I saw he became friends with some woman. He did that before, but this time I had a strange feeling, I had an alert on inside. I felt it is just a beginning of a story…

Shocking Change

Shocking Change

He drove me home. When we arrived, he said that next time is my turn to invite him. He said it with some embarrassment.

Next day, I asked if he wants to meet. He agreed, which was obvious. I guess, I asked too soon. I never was good at love games. If I want to see someone, I am cristal clear.

We were supposed to go to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city, I put on the best dress I had.

He arrived… in T-shirt, beach sleepers and shorts. I was pretty much shocked as it was Saturday night and we were going to one of the best restaurants… I was speechless.

It got even worse. He said that I must feel really terrible now because I am overdressed..

It was getting worse… We still had time before our reservation, so we decided to go for a walk. The things he was talking was a pure nonsense. something like me and my female friend want to rent a huge apartment so that we can have people around  and rent rooms as AirB’n’B. WHAAAAAAAAT? The man of 40 is telling this? Mid-age crisis.

I felt shitty, but still I did not leave… What an idiot? No self-respect at all!!!!!

During the dinner, he was acting like an absolute a#shole. He was constantly looking at other women, no, not a bit, literary he was staring. At some point, he said that I look like escort…

We finished dinner and went to the roo of the hotel. the mood was horrible, I realised that it is not my man at all, I actually could not believe it was the same man…

We went to the car, there was silence. The mood was ruined. I should have gone home… but I did not! It was the biggest mistake in my life…

We drove to one place which has a great view. He was back, that wonderful man from yesterday was back!!! I was so happy he was back, he was so gentle and nice, fun and hot. We talked and kissed, kissed and talked.

I was happy, I felt great.

It was time to go home, but the car did not start, we tried over and over again, but it was not possible…

He called me a taxi

The Magic Happened

The Magic Happened

We met for the second time. He was very nice and attentive. He was not the most handsome man at all. But his manners were ones of a gentleman. He was smart, with good sense of humour, stylish, and a sporty body, and a good job.

I did not know his age. He avoided telling me. My guess is 37-42. I don’t know, well.. I did not know.

Our dinner was short because he had to go and finish his work before the business trip. He was texting me the whole night so much he wants to see me again. He was telling me how sorry he is our ‘meeting’ was shot.

We met on Friday evening, he came to pick me up for the dinner straight from the airport. He was exhausted, yet, wanted to see me. That was the highlight of our time together, that was the moment when I melted and started having doubts that I should stay away.

He was a gentleman, he did not push me to anything. We just kissed till 4 a.m. at the beach.

Nice Beginning

Nice Beginning

The next day I woke up with the feeling, I should stay away from that man. I had a strange unpleasant after taste. I do not know why, but it did not feel right. At 14 45 he sent me the pictures he took the day before because his camera was better. Just picture and “good day”. We texted a bit and he was so nice and sweet. I still did not buy it for some reason. The next day I texted him that I bought a text book to learn the language of the country I was staying, and he said he wants to see me again either on Tuesday or Weekend. We agreed on Tuesday. I curse the day I agreed…

Friday With Friends

Friday With Friends

Yesterday, I texted to the guy and asked his plans for the evening as I planned before. I really needed to see his reaction. I don’t know what I expected because we broke up not in the nicest way.

He replied that he is going to housewarming party, and he asked about my leg. That was basically all the conversation we had. He did not suggest another day to meet, neither did I. It is all clear, everything is over and not gonna return. Strange feeling. It brings be back to the question if I ever will be loved. For now, it seems that I just walk in circles, back and forth.

I could be in a low mood the whole evening, thinking what is wrong in me. Luckily, my friends came over and saved me from unpleasant thoughts.

 

Step Backwards?

Step Backwards?

As you know, I got a terrible injury to my leg almost 3 weeks ago. It is hardly healing, so all activities like shopping and go errands are not possible. I also live in the country, where people are very distant, and even friends hardly visit me… I ran out of food, and I got tired with the sh#tty food from a small near-by shop, the only place to which I could get.

So, I texted the guy whom I met on the New Year, yep… I know it was a wrong thing to do, but he is the only one who usually does have time. We agreed that on Tuesday he will drive me to the shop. I was quite surprised that he agreed and even answered, considering how badly he parted.

When he saw how damaged my leg was, he became so caring. In the shop, I was basically sitting while he picked the products from my shopping list. We laughed a lot, the trip turned out to be a great fun. Of course, the main reason was that it was so nice to be out of the flat. Secondly, I was not any more embarrassed talking to him, I was myself.

He drove me back and carried my bags up. When he was leaving, he said that he will help me for sure again, and if I need to go somewhere I should ask him for help. We hugged as friends. He left me with absolute piece inside. This is the feeling I remember from the beginning of our short relationships.

Damn… I keep up thinking of him. He was so nice, and that’s the problem. I don’t want to misinterpret his niceness. I plan to ask him to come over and watch a movie this Friday. This is the only time when I can use my leg as an excuse, I need a company. His reaction I wait most, if he will want it or not. The problem is that now it can really work for us, I am very calm and not overexcited about him. Let’s wait till Friday.. Its already tomorrow.

 

Taking Care of Myself

Taking Care of Myself

My last post was about feeling a devil inside. It was crazy, and self-destructive in a way. More than a week ago, I was out. Crazy dancing, much alcohol, flirting with man, tell lies about who I am, etc. Most of people did the same, but in a younger age. I am so delayed with all that. The night was insane. On the way home, I fell and hurt my knee and leg so badly. I still hardly can work, and the bruise is huge! I just hope it all will go away in a couple of weeks… In the morning, to top it all, I had sex with a Spanish guy. Yes, it’s insane. I was so much in pain, and he was so much hangover, but we still did it. What is more insane, we did not spend the night together, he came in the morning…That was the result, the pick of self-destruction which was not only mental any more. It got physical.

How unfair and disrespectful it is towards myself. I fully understand it, but I feel nothing, I don’t feel good, and I don’t feel bad. I am numb. I need a break from parties. I need to take care of myself. So quickly, I made a circle and returned to the stage when I was writing about self-care. I have to be back on track. I need to it healthy, to dress beautifully, to have positive thoughts, and RESPECT MYSELF. If I do not respect myself, no one will. The fact.

I still have a strange attitude to men, I still want to revenge them. For now, I call to my common sense and stay away from men. I can’t predict how well it will go, but I will try.

There are 2 decisions I came up :

  1. no alcohol any more. I will stick to 0 or maximum 1 glass of wine. I drink only when I go out, so during working days, it is not a problem at all. What’s gonna happen, when I will go out? No clue… But I made my decision.
  2. no sex. No, I am not becoming a nun. No sex with random people, sex only with a man for whom I have feelings and who feels the same to me. Then, it is right, then, it is not sex, it is the physical expression of feelings.

This is my philosophy for now.