Yesterday, I texted to the guy and asked his plans for the evening as I planned before. I really needed to see his reaction. I don’t know what I expected because we broke up not in the nicest way.
He replied that he is going to housewarming party, and he asked about my leg. That was basically all the conversation we had. He did not suggest another day to meet, neither did I. It is all clear, everything is over and not gonna return. Strange feeling. It brings be back to the question if I ever will be loved. For now, it seems that I just walk in circles, back and forth.
I could be in a low mood the whole evening, thinking what is wrong in me. Luckily, my friends came over and saved me from unpleasant thoughts.
As you know, I got a terrible injury to my leg almost 3 weeks ago. It is hardly healing, so all activities like shopping and go errands are not possible. I also live in the country, where people are very distant, and even friends hardly visit me… I ran out of food, and I got tired with the sh#tty food from a small near-by shop, the only place to which I could get.
So, I texted the guy whom I met on the New Year, yep… I know it was a wrong thing to do, but he is the only one who usually does have time. We agreed that on Tuesday he will drive me to the shop. I was quite surprised that he agreed and even answered, considering how badly he parted.
When he saw how damaged my leg was, he became so caring. In the shop, I was basically sitting while he picked the products from my shopping list. We laughed a lot, the trip turned out to be a great fun. Of course, the main reason was that it was so nice to be out of the flat. Secondly, I was not any more embarrassed talking to him, I was myself.
He drove me back and carried my bags up. When he was leaving, he said that he will help me for sure again, and if I need to go somewhere I should ask him for help. We hugged as friends. He left me with absolute piece inside. This is the feeling I remember from the beginning of our short relationships.
Damn… I keep up thinking of him. He was so nice, and that’s the problem. I don’t want to misinterpret his niceness. I plan to ask him to come over and watch a movie this Friday. This is the only time when I can use my leg as an excuse, I need a company. His reaction I wait most, if he will want it or not. The problem is that now it can really work for us, I am very calm and not overexcited about him. Let’s wait till Friday.. Its already tomorrow.
My last post was about feeling a devil inside. It was crazy, and self-destructive in a way. More than a week ago, I was out. Crazy dancing, much alcohol, flirting with man, tell lies about who I am, etc. Most of people did the same, but in a younger age. I am so delayed with all that. The night was insane. On the way home, I fell and hurt my knee and leg so badly. I still hardly can work, and the bruise is huge! I just hope it all will go away in a couple of weeks… In the morning, to top it all, I had sex with a Spanish guy. Yes, it’s insane. I was so much in pain, and he was so much hangover, but we still did it. What is more insane, we did not spend the night together, he came in the morning…That was the result, the pick of self-destruction which was not only mental any more. It got physical.
How unfair and disrespectful it is towards myself. I fully understand it, but I feel nothing, I don’t feel good, and I don’t feel bad. I am numb. I need a break from parties. I need to take care of myself. So quickly, I made a circle and returned to the stage when I was writing about self-care. I have to be back on track. I need to it healthy, to dress beautifully, to have positive thoughts, and RESPECT MYSELF. If I do not respect myself, no one will. The fact.
I still have a strange attitude to men, I still want to revenge them. For now, I call to my common sense and stay away from men. I can’t predict how well it will go, but I will try.
There are 2 decisions I came up :
- no alcohol any more. I will stick to 0 or maximum 1 glass of wine. I drink only when I go out, so during working days, it is not a problem at all. What’s gonna happen, when I will go out? No clue… But I made my decision.
- no sex. No, I am not becoming a nun. No sex with random people, sex only with a man for whom I have feelings and who feels the same to me. Then, it is right, then, it is not sex, it is the physical expression of feelings.
This is my philosophy for now.
I still think of him.. It is not any more obsession I had about him, but he is still on my mind. He is piercing me all through still. I feel it less and less, I am progressing. I am coping. As I told you in a previous post, I stuck. No motivation, no strength to move forward.
There is one thought I caught myself on… It is a crazy thought. It is not my thought. I can’t have it on my mind, at least I never had before. I just wanna f#ck around.It is insane because I am absolutely a ‘good girl’ type. I never even did one night stands. It is not my thing. It was not. I am so tired of being good, polite. I am tired of being an angel. Men don’t respect angels. I wanna go on a dark side now. I want to make them crazy about me. I want them crave for me. I want them to beg me stay but I won’t. I am not any more afraid to hurt people because they are not afraid to hurt me. I just want to do what I feel like and not depend on anyone’s opinion. There is a devil inside me, and always been. I should say my parents did a great work to suppress it. But I am done. I am done with being nice. I am done with being used. It is time to switch the side.
A couple of week passed. I was not in touch with that man since my last post. I was not in touch with any other man either. This is going as planned. I need to stay away from men from awhile till I get myself back…
I just realised the other fields of life are in mess. I did not really cared of my job, about other necessary things. And I got a flu. The life stopped.
My plan was to take care and progress at work and in self-development, but I stuck. Am I depressed? I hope not. But I have the symptoms.. What is happening. This guy really damaged me. I thought it is not that bad, but I should admit, it actually hurt me so badly.
I stopped exercising, I cat say I care much of my appearance. I stuck on each field. I do not progress. I do not go further. What should I do? Where do I start to cure myself?
Tomorrow, I will wake up and do yoga. Yoga and green tea will be my cure. Mental go physical and physical go mental. If I care of my body, my soul will be cured, too. I hope it will…
It was around Christmas. I met a foreign man who was visiting his grandparents for Christmas. The first impression I got was nice. He was tall, good-looking, nice manners in a good shape, although he did not work out.
We went out and this pleasant impression was gone. He turned out to be super unconfident. I really like when people are a bit shy and nervous on the first day, it means the person takes it seriously. But full unconfidence is different. He took closed poses, and pretty soon he started talking that he is not really success, that some people are making fun of him.
All I felt was sadness. I hate people who bring others down, in his case including mother. Do they even understand that they possibly ruin the life of the people they bully?
On the other hand, I know many people who were hardly popular at school, but got their sh#t together and now they are doing really well, actually better than those who bullied them. But this guy seemed not to be able to break the circle. Sad…
I felt lost in this case. He was very nice, but will his wound let him live normally? or has “being a victim” became his comfort zone?
At the end, I decided to stay away. Why? I guess it is not possible to change a person who is 35 years old. and I believe changing anyone is initially so wrong.
As I already wrote, my boyfriend was extremely happy when I was back from my trip. He was so caring and loving that I got even more suspicious about him than ever. So little time was left before us moving together. So little time and no discussions occurred about it recently. Now I started to feel the connection between his ‘love’ and no conversations about moving in.
It took three days before it all became clear why he was so attentive. We were having dinner at my place. At some point, my boyfriend became extremely nervous and he said we should talk about moving together. I already knew what we was going to say, I just waited under which source he will introduce it.
“It will be better that I move to this city and live for the beginning on my one. Then, gradually we can build something together. I always hurried in my previous relationships, and they failed. I want to take it slow this time. Nothing changed, I really love you”, that is exactly what was said to me. OH, SERIOSLY???!!!! DAMN, YOU TALKED ABOUT ENGAGEMENT FOR SUCH A LONG TIME, YOU TALKED ABOUT MOVING IN TOGETHER. I NEVER AKSED YOU TO! YOU WERE ‘MAKING LOVE’ TO MY BRAIN FOR SO LONG!
I had a lot of curses and questions in my head, but I could not pronounce a thing, I did not cry, I did not shout. I breathed in and out and asked him to leave. Right now.