Step Backwards?

Step Backwards?

As you know, I got a terrible injury to my leg almost 3 weeks ago. It is hardly healing, so all activities like shopping and go errands are not possible. I also live in the country, where people are very distant, and even friends hardly visit me… I ran out of food, and I got tired with the sh#tty food from a small near-by shop, the only place to which I could get.

So, I texted the guy whom I met on the New Year, yep… I know it was a wrong thing to do, but he is the only one who usually does have time. We agreed that on Tuesday he will drive me to the shop. I was quite surprised that he agreed and even answered, considering how badly he parted.

When he saw how damaged my leg was, he became so caring. In the shop, I was basically sitting while he picked the products from my shopping list. We laughed a lot, the trip turned out to be a great fun. Of course, the main reason was that it was so nice to be out of the flat. Secondly, I was not any more embarrassed talking to him, I was myself.

He drove me back and carried my bags up. When he was leaving, he said that he will help me for sure again, and if I need to go somewhere I should ask him for help. We hugged as friends. He left me with absolute piece inside. This is the feeling I remember from the beginning of our short relationships.

Damn… I keep up thinking of him. He was so nice, and that’s the problem. I don’t want to misinterpret his niceness. I plan to ask him to come over and watch a movie this Friday. This is the only time when I can use my leg as an excuse, I need a company. His reaction I wait most, if he will want it or not. The problem is that now it can really work for us, I am very calm and not overexcited about him. Let’s wait till Friday.. Its already tomorrow.

 

No News

No News

A couple of week passed. I was not in touch with that man since my last post. I was not in touch with any other man either. This is going as planned. I need to stay away from men from awhile till I get myself back…

I just realised the other fields of life are in mess. I did not really cared of my job, about other necessary things. And I got a flu. The life stopped.

My plan was to take care and progress at work and in self-development, but I stuck. Am I depressed? I hope not. But I have the symptoms.. What is happening. This guy really damaged me. I thought it is not that bad, but I should admit, it actually hurt me so badly.

I stopped exercising, I cat say I care much of my appearance. I stuck on each field. I do not progress. I do not go further. What should I do? Where do I start to cure myself?

Tomorrow, I will wake up and do yoga. Yoga and green tea will be my cure. Mental go physical and physical go mental. If I care of my body, my soul will be cured, too. I hope it will…

Strange Men Around

Strange Men Around

As I already mentioned in my previous posts, I decided to stay away from men for awhile and take care of myself. And I follow my plan.

A while ago, in summer, on Instagram I got a message from a man. He is a professor in my favourite country, he lived sometime in the country I live now, and he is in love with my home country (sounds a bit complex, sorry!). We started chatting and he added me on facebook. We had short conversations, nothing personal, more related to the academic life.

Two weeks ago, that man texted me and informed that will be a visiting professor for a week in the country I live, and he asked if I have time to meet and chat. On Friday last week, I was in that city (it is very close to the city I live in) and I said that we can meet. For me it was all a friendly meeting with the smart educated man I never saw in my life. So, I did not consider the meeting romantic in any away.

We met in a cafe, and he said he will pay my coffee. I wanted to pay myself, but I accepted his offer because the sum was minimal and it is normal for men to pay for a woman in his country. We had a really nice conversation about academic life in general. He was easy to communicate with, again I did not consider him as a potential affair because he was simply not in my taste, he was too old for me (14 years older) and because I needed time to be alone. More than enough.

But something went wrong! No, not from my side! I missed the point when a friendly meeting turned to a date! I felt awkward! I did not know how to react!

So, I said to him that my bus leaves in 2 hours. He said that I should eat something before that. Make sense, right? He pushed me to go to a restaurant instead of grabbing a sandwich. Well.. ok… it is a proper meal then. He pushed into taking a glass of wine with the meal, it is Friday after all! Time to pay has come. Of course, I planned to pay my part myself. But he did not allow. The waiter came, and the situation got really awkward. I was forced to accept that he pays.. That was a real psychological game going on…

After he paid, he took my hand and started telling me how awesome I am, how happy he is to meet me, that I am smart and beautiful and.. he feels strong connection between us.

WHAAAAAT? I do not feel any connection, I feel ANTIconnection after those words. I was so shocked and I remained silent.. He continued his speech that he wants to read the books I read and other bullsh#t. Of course, he wanted me to stay and not go back. I had a second to create a reason I need to go. I do not even remember what I came up with. Does not matter.

Luckily, it was the time to go to the bus station. He wanted to go there with me, I was telling him that there is no need, but he was very pushy.

Damn… the bus is laaaaaateeee! I want to leave now!!!!

Then, he hugged me and try to kiss, I turned away. He kept hugging me, I squeezed out from his hand. It all was happening in a crowded place. I did not want to him to approach me but he did not read the message. He continued interfering my private space and I continued to push him away. It was so awkward. I did not want to make a scene in a public place.

The bus came, and he hugged me again, saying that he adores me so much and then he said: “It was clear it’s gonna work for us already before, but now I am sure. I am back in April, and we must do something together then”. WHAAAT?

I have 2 explanations: either he is mental or he is a terrible manipulative person. He is so smart and educated that I hardly believe that he did not realize what he was doing. His social skills are also fine, we met so many his friends, and they were really happy yo see him.

It is unbelievable but he exactly reminded me my ex who was telling me the same loud word so quickly. This type of men have women in different cities and actively bullsh#t to them, so that next time they are in town they have a quality company.

What really surprises me is their self-esteem! They think if they tell a woman that they are seriously interested, the woman will met down… sorry, no!!!! Women are different, and nowadays to get married is not the main goal.  More then that… Have you seen yourself in a mirror? I am not attracted!

Unlike my ex, this man was even more dangerous because he was super good in manipulations. He gradually turned a friend-type meeting into a date.. and he did a lot to suppress my will!

And yes, the blame is on me, too. I should have been stronger! He just noticed that I am a nice person who does not make scenes in public and who is very soft. I can’t believe I let it happen. This just supports what my friends told me: “There are always weird men around you”. I have to admit, yes, there are. And the problem is that I let it happen. I do need time to make myself stronger, so this will never happen again.

 

“I am only happy when it rains”

“I am only happy when it rains”

There is much happened. I don’t want to go into details.

Things got complicated, strange, and painfully clear.

With all his behaviour, he was telling me that he accepts my attraction, but where did his go?

I also was thinking why he. He is not the most handsome, he is not the smartest, his social skills are much to be desired. But still…

At some point, I started thinking that he simply triggered the memories about the man I loved a bit less than 6 years ago.

This weekend I realise that this guy does not trigger anything, he is just a similar person, complicated, lost, undetermined. For some reason, I can’t resist this type of men. I love the mystery, I love mixture. He could easily be one of the Dostoevsky’s character. Such type of people are in crowd, but lonely, they are attentive, but they don’t care, they are cold, they are indifferent. They make your heart sank.

I know pretty soon that this will not last, but I can’t stay away. There is some masochistic act in it, absolutely. Bittersweet pain, which is cured in bed. Cured… or like a drug, makes me feel better for a while, and then makes craving for him even more.

Thoughts, Culture, Attitude

Thoughts, Culture, Attitude

A week passed, and he did not send me a message. Neither did I.

But as I said, there are some things at my place, which belong to him. I do not have a big desire to keep him. Understandably, his belonings remind me of him, they just burn my eyes, mind, and heart, and I want to get rid of them as soon as possible.

I keep questioning what went wrong. Why did things go weird?

It would not be a problem, but the last lime when I was sincerely into someone was 6 years ago! 6 long years my mind and heart was empty, I was like a robot. Yes, I had relationships, but it was a technical thing, nothing personal. And… after 6 ever-lasting years, he got into my heart without any warning. And like in a good melodrama, he does not care..

A week passed, and I decided to text him. I wanted to be an adult, and my message was friendly. I asked how he is doing and informed that his things are at my place. He replied that he is fine and that we did not meet for a week, and he put sad smiles. Of course, he asked how I was doing and why I was silent for a week. I answered that I am still waiting for an invitation to the cinema (we planned to go, but never actually did). This weird correspondence continued, and he suggested to go to movies this week. I said ok. Neither day or movie was suggested. It was more like a good manner.

There is one thing I want to explain. The country I live in is a bit different in the sense that women here are very independent and they tend to take initiative with men. Men, on the opposite, are very patient, and they follow the initiator. Of course, not everyone, but majority. It is not a bad thing, it is just so different from what I have used to. May this be a problem?

 

Our Last Meeting

Our Last Meeting

The weekend. (Last week)

We did not agree on any day or time.

So, on Friday, I went out with my friends. A couple of drinks… and… yes, I texted him.

He was out, too.

We met. He was telling me that there were girls around him, there always are.

I got angry. Of course, it is such a weird thing to say.

We started arguing, and ended up in bed. It was wild.

But it was our last meeting.

Next day, we were supposed to go to movies, but he found some excuse. I felt similar way. I finally stepped back. I am done, too. I have my pride.

But there are his things at my place. I still have to contact him after a week of silence…

 

Communication is Breaking

Communication is Breaking

There were less and less messages. It was burning me, I did not understand anything, I was so attached, craving for his texts and attention, but where is it? It was clear what was going on, but I did not want to believe that.

What should I do? Many times, he said to me, I should show initiative because he is not good at it. But he was, he was initiative.

The other thing which bothered me is that one day he was telling me that there are always women around him, the other day – that he is so insecure and women do not want to be with him, and he is so happy we went so far. What was that?

I was brainstorming, it took all my mind. I did not know how to act and if I even should act. I did not know. I got angry, then miserable, again, angry, lost.

I decided to text him and asked out for the weekend. He excepted my invitation.