The Time Before I Left

The Time Before I Left

Several days left before my trip to another country, before my escape from pain and disrespect. I am not a mean person, on the contrary, I always was afraid to hurt people. But this time, I did not care how my boyfriend felt. More than that, I was happy I gonna hurt him, in a way it was his karma for playing lie games to me and obviously other women.

It is unbelievable how confident he was just before I announced about my trip. He was so sure I won’t leave him, that I am attached and dependant. He thought he could get away with his broken promises about engagement and moving in together, bullsh#t about his life, and of course the information provided in those anonymous letters. He was an expert, he was a professional in lies, he got used to manipulate, but this time he failed. I was a step ahead.

He were still in touch, but he was really frustrated, this was not what he expected. He still were telling me he loves me. He walked me to the departure bus, he was silent, I tried to suppress my happiness. Mentally I was away.  I simple wish I had done it much earlier…

It All Became Clear

It All Became Clear

It was the second week of our vacation, my boyfriend and I were spending this time together. It was nice, but heavy in a way. We were in his home town, he was doing his hobbies, and I was accompanying him. It was fun, but clearly not my thing. Or my mind was just poisoned with the negative thoughts brought by an anonymous letter. I don’t know what it was.

We had a short trip ahead, and travelling is always a good way to relax and have a good time. Plus, in my case, there was another check point for the relationship. It was summer, we were very lucky with the weather, the food was great, a lot of sightseeing. Simply amazing vacation. And the same engagement scenario like in the previous trip… He was silent about the whole thing… From the very beginning it was just a talk without any meaning, but why to do it? Is it the way to comfort a woman so that she will think it is all serious and he can freely play games behind her back? Or what? What’s the hell!!

We were driving back from the airport, and I was silent, I did not want to talk, and there was nothing left to say. There was still a week of vacation left, which were supposed to spend together. In the car, my boyfriend told me that I should go to my home country (I am a foreigner) and visit my parents. I did not comment on it, I was sure I need to go and think about everything from distance. It was shocking.. and bizarre at the same time because he again was repeating how much he loves me….

I bought the tickets and left.

 

 

 

Another Try to Get Engaged

Another Try to Get Engaged

I could not take silence and laughter as a response. My boyfriend did not look secure anymore. He mumbled. And I simply wanted to know what was happening. I was not afraid to get a negative answer on engagement, it was unawareness which was killing me. Unawareness which was the proof that the anonym was right.

When he was able to speak again, he said that we will get engaged in our next trip, which will take place less than a month. Then, he added: “If we find rings there”. Seriously? Going to a European capital, which can offer basically everything…

Everything was like in a fog, I did not feel the pain, just numb. I clearly saw the way the things were going, I was another one in his list to whom he promised a lot. He was doing this to women, but why? Why would anyone play such games? Problems with self-esteem? Psychological problems? Mental? Or just an as*hole?

On the other hand, nothing changed in our relationship. He still was caring, he saw saying that he loves me. And! We were going to move together in August, he will move to my city! Stop! Things are going really fine, so many nice things are ahead! Oh no… Now I feel bad, there is nothing wrong in our relationship. My boyfriend simply does not want to hurry, or…?

 

Some update

Some update

I was from blog for a long time, and so many things happened and… did not happen during this time.

Briefly, some reminding of what I wrote before. I got an anonymous message that my boyfriend is a cheater and a liar who promises to get married but never proceeds on it. I got similar message twice, an I should day I was on alert because there were issues in my relationships which were close to the ones in the message.

So, my boyfriend said that we should get engaged in May during our short vacation abroad. I was waiting for this moment first of all not because I wanted it to happen so soon but because it was a check. Getting engaged in May would mean that my boyfriend really loves me, that he definitely does not have any affairs.

May came, we went for holidays. Needless to say that disturbing thoughts were piercing my mind all the time. I am nervous, I was stressed, I could not relax. Every evening I was waiting for the promised engagement, but nothing happened. There were no explanations, everything was the same like before as if he never mentioned it.

That was the turning point, I start realising that there were games of which I was not aware. I started to question the whole relationship, and the main thing I started believing that the letters must be the truth… Till the last moment, I did not want to think it was possible, but reality spoke loud.

Of course, I decided to talk to him in a calm constructive way because I have the right to know why the engagement never happened as it was planned. He could not reply my question. Moreover, the reaction was hilarious, he laughed, it was a nervous laughter which usually occur when you are pushed to the wall…

 

 

Another message

Another message

Well, I should say, I do want to know the truth and I am getting impatient. That is why I decided to make a new post on social media via which I got that anonymous message. My goal was to get irritated and make act…  And she did…

This time, she found my surname and sent me the message to.. my working email. A big step to take, isn’t it? The content of the message was pretty much the same: she wants to warn me tat my man is a f—king liar. He talks extremely quickly about love, coming engagement. He promises the whole world and never proceeds to it, because he has women several cities to whom he promised the same. Sounds crazy!

The main point: she already has contacted me once.. For some reason,she wanted to do it again when she realized there was no reaction from my side. She put effort in finding my surname and working email, which is a serious step. I cannot imagine myself under any circumstances to hunt the current girl of my ex, would you? I really doubt…

However, there are a couple of tings which do disturb my mind: as an example, indeed, he said that he loves me pretty quickly. In addition, pretty quickly the engagement thing came out. Indeed, we never proceed on it: first, he said it will happen on the New Year’s Eve, but is did not; then, he claimed it will happen on Eater, and the same outcome… Now the engagement should happen (at least in theory) in May. I really started doubting… Plus this hair issue (hairs I found in his apartment) and Instagram girls from he mentioned cities…

So far it looks 50/50.. I do not know how to proceed.. I am lost, suppressed, and I simply need a good piece of advice as I have never been to such a situation. Tomorrow we gonna meet again. I am looking forward to it. But I do not know how to act. I think for tomorrow I will be a “good girl”, I will be nice, and… I will talk about may because… we gonna get engaged… at least this is what he said. The reaction of his will tell a lot…

I am resisting it, but I should say this time the girl sneaked into my head for sure..

 

Lie or Truth?

Lie or Truth?

Overloaded with different thoughts after that message, I was heading to the meeting point. The first couple hours of the trip, I was confident and pretty relaxed. But when the bus was approaching to X city, the cold shiver fell down on me: guilty or innocent, devil or an angel, lie or truth..?

Despite his recently cold behavier to me, he met me with a happy smile. The way to the cottage was so nice, he was in a good mood and very attantive, he looked happy and calm. Everything in him was telling me that the anonymous message is nothing but a lie. I decided not to say anything about the message for a while, I wanted to observe if anything will pop up. But within 2 days nothing did. He cared so much, making sure I feel well.

After 2 days, I could not hold my doubts any longer and I asked him if he had any crazy ex-girlfriends. First, he replied: No! Then, he said that there was one. I showed the message. He refered to his exgirlfriend, who still tries to contact him all possible ways, although he blocked her on all social media. At some point, she was asking money from him and she got pissed when he did not give it to her. As a result, she texted me to revenge. That was his explanation. Could be true.. But I have never heard of her before, although they were in serious relationships and she even moved to him when he lived abroad.

Several month ago, my current boyfriend asked almost everything about my ex boyfriends, like: How serious were the relationships? How we met? How long dated and why broke up? I never had any dirty stories in my closet, so I was speaking about it openly. In return, I asked him the same questiones, and he told me only about one woman. That ‘crazy’ girl never was mentioned.

It made me very confused, it was so double standarded. He wanted to know everything about me, but he himself was hiding something… As such, I never cared of his past, it does not matter for me as long as we love each other. But can anything in the PRESENT be hidden from me..?

He did not comment on the content of the message which clearly contained some facts like being engaged and having women in several cities. Reading the message over again, I felt, that anonym did not reveal everything and there is more to come…

 

Awakening Sings?

I still can not stop thinking of that anonymous message. Now I am recollecting all the suspecious or strange things which ever occurred in these relationships..

Looks at other woman.. It was odd and even hurtful when he looks at other women in my presence. Yes, men do that, and there is nothing wrong about it in general, but in this case he turns his head almost to every passing woman. If he does in my presence, what happens when I am not there…? I tied to supress that poisonous thought and talked to him about this. He said that it is just my imagination. Indeed, it could easily be, but for some reason I have had this feeling in my previous relationships.

Female hair.. At the very beginning of our relationship, I noticed female hair in his apartment. I was pretty calm about it as that can be ramainings from the past. In addition, he is a typical guy who will hardly clean every corner of the house. From time to time, I was finding female hair of different colors.. I said him about it, he reacted in a very negative way getting offended how I can even think that way and not trust him.

Instagram… There, people follow what they want and you hardly can take it seriously, but.. in his follow list there are mainly local women from near by cities who post their rather provocative selfies. Women are also much yonger then he is…

Separately, thes issues can just be a coincidence and they are simply not worth worrying about. However, all together it is like a mozaik or puzzle, which you put together and crown it all with the message about cheating… we get quite an interesting picture..

For some reason, I am very calm about it all. I do not want judge and suspect him.. or I am simply on the denial stage when I refuse to see obvious things.