Luno was late, almost 2 hours late than he promised.
When he arrived, he was not alone. He was with his brother-in-law and their common friend. It was very awkward moment because I planned to talk but it was not possible. And it was strange to be with 2 unknown man in the car for 2 hours. But everyone was nice, and it went smoothly, we even got some good laugh.
We arrived and had a small talk with the guys. The bother in law aske Luno in their own language which I hardly speak:
- So what is the plan?
- (Luno:) She is only 30, and in autumn her visa expires and she goes back
I thought I did not understand it correctly, I still was ignoring obvious things, I still preferred to life in lies… I listened, but I did not hear the truth…
I was doing sightseeing and my mood was down. I met a Brazilian man who was also travelling on his own. We talked a lot and we started discussing private life. I told him what was torturing me so badly. He wanted to support me but he could not. He openly said that my situation looked bad… that why on earth Luno cannot join me or invite me there.
We all knew why, but I was the only one who rejected the truth, I did not want to see it.
The last chance was to talk the next day. The final talk which will determine the future…
I felt so relieved when I met his friends. I felt that Luno feels comfortable about introducing me to his friends. It is in a way unspoken acceptance, unspoken step forward.
Nevertheless, I had a terrible feeling. I did not understand why, but I had a sensation that something is going on. but what? and why I have these thoughts? No clue.
I had a business trip to the north of the country for a day, but I decide to travel there for almost a week. I just wanted to be face to face to my feelings, listen to what my heart and my soul were telling me.. and what they were whispering to me was not nice…
So, he was back from his trip to Madrid. It was Friday, and we met for dinner. This time, I was the on who initiated the date. I wanted to tell me about my feeling which I started having. Yes, only after 3 weeks. But I thought that its good to know what he is up too and break our communicated if we are not on the same page, to break it before the feelings are too strong.
And I did, carefully and uncertainly. He was not happy about it. He told me things are going to fast, and we should enjoy the moment. Now, it is too early to think of anything.
After that, we had a weird forced talk in the car for more than 3 hours. Then, we drove to his rented flat because in his own the ex was living (read more in the previous post). Yes, it was a stupid decision. I know I should have gone home, but I was already too much poisoned with Luno…
I woke up on Monday morning really relaxed and I did not care much of him. I was very surprised that he texted me at 11 asking how I am doing, how I slept, of course he used all this kissing smilies. Hmmm… I ready had a concern, and the main ting I was surprised about him texting me as I pretty much thought that it all was an end. But it turned out that it wasn’t.
He asked when we could meet and that he misses me very much. I said Tuesday.
On Tuesday, things were nice. Then, he had a trip for Madrid. I had some strange feeling. No, it was not love or anything close to it, it was some dependence, attachment. Not a good one, more like an addiction to a drug, which makes you feel good but ruins you at the end. Yes, it was that…
I was begging him to meet on Friday, when he is back. I felt he is sleaping away, but I was already addicted…
By the way, I don’t remember if I told you this or not. There was a strange story about his apartment, I will tell more next tim!
Just before leaving the place, he turned out to be in bed. Again, he started telling me strange things:
– This moment was nice, even if it will never repeat again.
What the hell!! Yes, this is the thing you tell to a woman a minute after you were so close. yep.. He continued his marvellous speech
– Ocean, this farm, you, me. All so perfect, the moment. No future, no past. and there wont be any future.
I got super upset with these words. Indeed, we don’t know what gonna happen tomorrow. Indeed, it is very unlikely that we will get married and start a family. Even the fact of being a boyfriend and a girl friend is pretty much under the question, but still… Very strange phrase at the beginning of our communication…
I just decided to think about my work and studies rather than a man whose mood is shifting much more often than mine… And of course, on the way back, he was nice again. He was so caring and attentive, he was holding my hand, kissing me. And I was happy to be with him again.
We woke up and went for a walk. When we were back, we got some passion going on. What he said to me was insane:
-So you took condoms. It means that you expected something.
-Well, everything could happen.
-And I did not take at all. I did not expect.
Again, I was a bad person, I expected something, and he is an angel, who did not consider anything happening. It went even more insane:
-How many did you take?
-10. A pack.
-You came to this country to fu’k..
That is exactly what you say when you are in bed with woman who actually takes care of her health… The desire went away.
-You are really tight there, young boys gonna be crazy about it, but I am experienced man, I can separate sex and the rest.
I left for my room and fell asleep.