Close to an End?

Things started going really strange after my question if we are a BF and a GF. He became mean… It was unbearable… He was hurting me and he knew what he was doing. He did it on purpose.

He could say that he misses me, and that he does not care and he says it because people fall for this sh#t…

I started going out with friends more and he stopped being the only person i was in touch. He started calling me a wh#re every time spent time with my friends.

I could not reply anything on that. I was suffering silently. I was too weak to react, I was too small and humilated to reply…

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Are We a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend?

Are We a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend?

We came to his place, he carried out my lugguage to his place. I knew I needed to ask him about our status. I was scared, I gave myself 5 minutes more, then 5 minutes more. It was 30 minutes of time. I am still afraid, maybe because deep inside I knew the answer, I did not want to hear..

me – Are we a boyfriend and a girlfriend?

he – (silence)

me – People ask me if i have a boyfriend, and I dont know what to reply

he – you can reply whatever you want

me – and so?

he – well, you want me to be your boyfriend? (looking at me happily)

me – yes

he- you know, it is too soon to talk about it.  and i am not sure what i want at this stage.

Very clear answer which i ignore. Luno was very good at communication, he smoothed the awkward moment and made the situation chill and relaxed again..

And we ended up having the closest moment ever… in bed…

The Drive Back and Alert I Ignored

The Drive Back and Alert I Ignored

Luno was late, almost 2 hours late than he promised.

When he arrived, he was not alone. He was with his brother-in-law and their common friend. It was very awkward moment because I planned to talk but it was not possible. And it was strange to be with 2 unknown man in the car for 2 hours. But everyone was nice, and it went smoothly, we even got some good laugh.

We arrived and had a small talk with the guys. The bother in law aske Luno in their own language which I hardly speak:

  • So what is the plan?
  • (Luno:) She is only 30, and in autumn her visa expires and she goes back

I thought I did not understand it correctly, I still was ignoring obvious things, I still preferred to life in lies… I listened, but I did not hear the truth…

A Stranger Tries to Open My Eyes

A Stranger Tries to Open My Eyes

I was doing sightseeing and my mood was down. I met a Brazilian man who was also travelling on his own. We talked a lot and we started discussing private life. I told him what was torturing me so badly. He wanted to support me but he could not. He openly said that my situation looked bad… that why on earth Luno cannot join me or invite me there.

We all knew why, but I was the only one who rejected the truth, I did not want to see it.

The last chance was to talk the next day. The final talk which will determine the future…

Mixed Feelings

Mixed Feelings

I felt so relieved when I met his friends. I felt that Luno feels comfortable about introducing me to his friends. It is in a way unspoken acceptance, unspoken step forward.

Nevertheless, I had a terrible feeling. I did not understand why, but I had a sensation that something is going on. but what? and why I have these thoughts? No clue.

I had a business trip to the north of the country for a day, but I decide to travel there for almost a week. I just wanted to be face to face to my feelings, listen to what my heart and my soul were telling me.. and what they were whispering to me was not nice…

Telling Him About My Feelings

Telling Him About My Feelings

So, he was back from his trip to Madrid. It was Friday, and we met for dinner. This time, I was the on who initiated the date. I wanted to tell me about my feeling which I started having. Yes, only after 3 weeks. But I thought that its good to know what he is up too and break our communicated if we are not on the same page, to break it before the feelings are too strong.

And I did, carefully and uncertainly. He was not happy about it. He told me things are going to fast, and we should enjoy the moment. Now, it is too early to think of anything.

After that, we had a weird forced talk in the car for more than 3 hours. Then, we drove to his rented flat because in his own the ex was living (read more in the previous post). Yes, it was a stupid decision. I know I should have gone home, but I was already too much poisoned with Luno…

Communication and Feelings After the Trip

Communication and Feelings After the Trip

I woke up on Monday morning really relaxed and I did not care much of him. I was very surprised that he texted me at 11 asking how I am doing, how I slept, of course he used all this kissing smilies. Hmmm… I ready had a concern, and the main ting I was surprised about him texting me as I pretty much thought that it all was an end. But it turned out that it wasn’t.

He asked when we could meet and that he misses me very much. I said Tuesday.

On Tuesday, things were nice. Then, he had a trip for Madrid. I had some strange feeling. No, it was not love or anything close to it, it was some dependence, attachment. Not a good one, more like an addiction to a drug, which makes you feel good but ruins you at the end. Yes, it was that…

I was begging him to meet on Friday, when he is back. I felt he is sleaping away, but I was already addicted…

By the way, I don’t remember if I told you this or not. There was a strange story about his apartment, I will tell more next tim!