Shocking Change

Shocking Change

He drove me home. When we arrived, he said that next time is my turn to invite him. He said it with some embarrassment.

Next day, I asked if he wants to meet. He agreed, which was obvious. I guess, I asked too soon. I never was good at love games. If I want to see someone, I am cristal clear.

We were supposed to go to one of the most expensive restaurants in the city, I put on the best dress I had.

He arrived… in T-shirt, beach sleepers and shorts. I was pretty much shocked as it was Saturday night and we were going to one of the best restaurants… I was speechless.

It got even worse. He said that I must feel really terrible now because I am overdressed..

It was getting worse… We still had time before our reservation, so we decided to go for a walk. The things he was talking was a pure nonsense. something like me and my female friend want to rent a huge apartment so that we can have people around  and rent rooms as AirB’n’B. WHAAAAAAAAT? The man of 40 is telling this? Mid-age crisis.

I felt shitty, but still I did not leave… What an idiot? No self-respect at all!!!!!

During the dinner, he was acting like an absolute a#shole. He was constantly looking at other women, no, not a bit, literary he was staring. At some point, he said that I look like escort…

We finished dinner and went to the roo of the hotel. the mood was horrible, I realised that it is not my man at all, I actually could not believe it was the same man…

We went to the car, there was silence. The mood was ruined. I should have gone home… but I did not! It was the biggest mistake in my life…

We drove to one place which has a great view. He was back, that wonderful man from yesterday was back!!! I was so happy he was back, he was so gentle and nice, fun and hot. We talked and kissed, kissed and talked.

I was happy, I felt great.

It was time to go home, but the car did not start, we tried over and over again, but it was not possible…

He called me a taxi

The Magic Happened

The Magic Happened

We met for the second time. He was very nice and attentive. He was not the most handsome man at all. But his manners were ones of a gentleman. He was smart, with good sense of humour, stylish, and a sporty body, and a good job.

I did not know his age. He avoided telling me. My guess is 37-42. I don’t know, well.. I did not know.

Our dinner was short because he had to go and finish his work before the business trip. He was texting me the whole night so much he wants to see me again. He was telling me how sorry he is our ‘meeting’ was shot.

We met on Friday evening, he came to pick me up for the dinner straight from the airport. He was exhausted, yet, wanted to see me. That was the highlight of our time together, that was the moment when I melted and started having doubts that I should stay away.

He was a gentleman, he did not push me to anything. We just kissed till 4 a.m. at the beach.

Nice Beginning

Nice Beginning

The next day I woke up with the feeling, I should stay away from that man. I had a strange unpleasant after taste. I do not know why, but it did not feel right. At 14 45 he sent me the pictures he took the day before because his camera was better. Just picture and “good day”. We texted a bit and he was so nice and sweet. I still did not buy it for some reason. The next day I texted him that I bought a text book to learn the language of the country I was staying, and he said he wants to see me again either on Tuesday or Weekend. We agreed on Tuesday. I curse the day I agreed…

Life is like a movie… a thriller

Life is like a movie… a thriller

As you know I quit everything in one country and left for 2 months for the other one, to the place where I enjoy everything. In July, I had the flight back to the place where I was staying permanently. But… I did not return, I am still staying in my favourite country, the country where I was so happy and where I am so broken now. It is all so surreal, I still refuse believe it happened to me. No No No! It is impossible, it happens only in movies! not in live!!!

I start from the very beginning… Last year, during my trip to my favourite country, I got a match on Tinder with a local man. I never took seriously Tinder, so we werwee just chatting online. Then, I returned home, and he kept texting me, asking to have a weekend trip somewhere. Of course, I refused! Come on! I never saw him in my life, he can be anything! and which normal person will ask a random girl to meet in another country!? But we stayed in touch though with seldom messaging.

Then, I arrived here, to my favourite country. He became very active and pushy to meet. I was hardly ready because I still had my leg problems and I was getting strong mentally. In addition, I got a cultural shock.

Nevertheless, we met and went to do sightseeing in a neighbourhood town. My first impression of him was not nice, he looked like a player, he was very slicky and for some reason just unpleasant. But I went to the tour, so I did not really care. At the end of the day, we had a drink, my first drink after trauma… one glass of wine was enough to weaken my strength and precautions, to kill my intuition. We went to the beach and we were playing with water, and he kissed me…

On that day, we spent together 14 hours! 14 hours! I never stayed with a person I hardly know that long…. and I never will again…

April Update

April Update

It was a long time since my last post. So, here are some updates on my new rules:

  • no alcohol

This goes smoothly. I did not drink at all, and it was so easy to stay away from drinking. I see this so differently now. Drinking for me was in a way self-hurting and masochistic, and now I do like myself and I do not want to hurt me in any way.

  • no sex

No sex without feelings will be better to say. Nothing happened in this area, too. I was away from it because I did not meet the guy I really like and who likes me as well. Being with a guy just for sex is kind of rape over self, I just don’t understand how I could do it before. No wonder there were crazy men and weird situations happening to me all the time, this is what you get when you do not have any self-respect.

My leg still did not recover, but it is much better now. I take it easy, I finally do care of myself, I eat healthy and do yoga. To be honest, I am still weak on this. I feel that I am just on a way to strong self-respect and self-awareness. But if I look back on me even just one months ago, I see difference.

My warm wishes,

K.

 

The End of Life or the Beginning of New One?

We all had moments when absolutely everything goes wrong: work, relationships, health, friends. I am exactly on the same phase right now. Relationship sucks, or I  basically have none. My work contract ends in May, and no other job is found. My leg is still not fine, and my friends hardly understand what I am going through. I am not depressed, I just feel that I stuck, I do not develop, I do not move on.

Way out? To quite the job a bit earlier than the contract ends and go to my favourite country for 2 months. Crazy? Yes! It is a financial suicide, but I just take this risk no matter what. There are only few people know about this, and none of them is my friend… I don’t want them to know anything.

This is insane what I am doing. I do not have any plans what I gonna do there, I do not expect anything. I simply want to be away for a while. I do need to be away.

 

Friday With Friends

Friday With Friends

Yesterday, I texted to the guy and asked his plans for the evening as I planned before. I really needed to see his reaction. I don’t know what I expected because we broke up not in the nicest way.

He replied that he is going to housewarming party, and he asked about my leg. That was basically all the conversation we had. He did not suggest another day to meet, neither did I. It is all clear, everything is over and not gonna return. Strange feeling. It brings be back to the question if I ever will be loved. For now, it seems that I just walk in circles, back and forth.

I could be in a low mood the whole evening, thinking what is wrong in me. Luckily, my friends came over and saved me from unpleasant thoughts.