Night Tells Wisdom

Night Tells Wisdom

I resisted! Well… I am lying. He just went back to his city, and this saved from a mistake. I would have felt worse after that. Enough self-destruction!

Friday evening. I am home alone with my crazy thoughts. It is exactly one of those moments when I start thinking a lot and it goes all wrong way. I haven’t had these moments for a long time. My leg is not fine, it is not recovering. I have to take care of it, so that it is fine, to look at its size, color, temperature. I am scared like small children are, but they have their mummy next to them to say that everything will be alright.

I can call to my mom via skype, but I don’t want to. Then, I will have to tell her that I am not fine. She will ask why and how it happened. And I don’t want to tell how, I don’t want to worry her.  She will be so worried that it will only make me feel worse and more scared. I know it sounds strange, but my mom always strengthen my feelings. It is good when I am happy, but when I am scared or depressed, it doesn’t help.

I blame myself in what has happened to me. I just hope it is a good lesson, and I will recover soon! Only getting in these kind of troubles, when I just sit at home (I hardly can walk)  and worry, I realised what a great life I had, I could go to work, to do food shopping, go the the bank, post office. It is a real happiness! I know it sounds strange. We are tired of those things, we hate them. But I changed my mind now. Those thing are real life, yes, hectic, but it is happiness just to walk…

I want to share the lesson I just learnt! The life is great, and the most important thing is heath! Never complain as long as you are healthy,  and you can afford to buy at least bread!

 

Temptation

Temptation

This was expected to happen. Spanish guy texted and offered to have sex. I don’t know why I am surprised about it. Maybe because I draw some lines for myself, which include not having sex with a man who is not interested in me. I am angry at him, and at the same time I want to do it. Yes, it is a normal reaction from my side. I just should resist, but there is a problem. I damaged my leg two weeks ago, and it is not improving. This week was home all the time, I am bored and angry that I can’t do what I got used to do – sports, going out, meeting friends, even normal food shopping. I hardly talked to any person. At any other moment, it will be so easy to say ‘no’, but not now. He tried to persuade me already twice, I managed to refuse. If he asks for the third time, I will agree…

I know I shouldn’t.. But why not? We already crossed the line, and this time won’t change anything. Any way, I am in the process of recovery and all my promises/borderlines will be in force as soon as I am back to normal life… Damn…

“I am only happy when it rains”

“I am only happy when it rains”

There is much happened. I don’t want to go into details.

Things got complicated, strange, and painfully clear.

With all his behaviour, he was telling me that he accepts my attraction, but where did his go?

I also was thinking why he. He is not the most handsome, he is not the smartest, his social skills are much to be desired. But still…

At some point, I started thinking that he simply triggered the memories about the man I loved a bit less than 6 years ago.

This weekend I realise that this guy does not trigger anything, he is just a similar person, complicated, lost, undetermined. For some reason, I can’t resist this type of men. I love the mystery, I love mixture. He could easily be one of the Dostoevsky’s character. Such type of people are in crowd, but lonely, they are attentive, but they don’t care, they are cold, they are indifferent. They make your heart sank.

I know pretty soon that this will not last, but I can’t stay away. There is some masochistic act in it, absolutely. Bittersweet pain, which is cured in bed. Cured… or like a drug, makes me feel better for a while, and then makes craving for him even more.

Thoughts, Culture, Attitude

Thoughts, Culture, Attitude

A week passed, and he did not send me a message. Neither did I.

But as I said, there are some things at my place, which belong to him. I do not have a big desire to keep him. Understandably, his belonings remind me of him, they just burn my eyes, mind, and heart, and I want to get rid of them as soon as possible.

I keep questioning what went wrong. Why did things go weird?

It would not be a problem, but the last lime when I was sincerely into someone was 6 years ago! 6 long years my mind and heart was empty, I was like a robot. Yes, I had relationships, but it was a technical thing, nothing personal. And… after 6 ever-lasting years, he got into my heart without any warning. And like in a good melodrama, he does not care..

A week passed, and I decided to text him. I wanted to be an adult, and my message was friendly. I asked how he is doing and informed that his things are at my place. He replied that he is fine and that we did not meet for a week, and he put sad smiles. Of course, he asked how I was doing and why I was silent for a week. I answered that I am still waiting for an invitation to the cinema (we planned to go, but never actually did). This weird correspondence continued, and he suggested to go to movies this week. I said ok. Neither day or movie was suggested. It was more like a good manner.

There is one thing I want to explain. The country I live in is a bit different in the sense that women here are very independent and they tend to take initiative with men. Men, on the opposite, are very patient, and they follow the initiator. Of course, not everyone, but majority. It is not a bad thing, it is just so different from what I have used to. May this be a problem?

 

Our Last Meeting

Our Last Meeting

The weekend. (Last week)

We did not agree on any day or time.

So, on Friday, I went out with my friends. A couple of drinks… and… yes, I texted him.

He was out, too.

We met. He was telling me that there were girls around him, there always are.

I got angry. Of course, it is such a weird thing to say.

We started arguing, and ended up in bed. It was wild.

But it was our last meeting.

Next day, we were supposed to go to movies, but he found some excuse. I felt similar way. I finally stepped back. I am done, too. I have my pride.

But there are his things at my place. I still have to contact him after a week of silence…

 

Communication is Breaking

Communication is Breaking

There were less and less messages. It was burning me, I did not understand anything, I was so attached, craving for his texts and attention, but where is it? It was clear what was going on, but I did not want to believe that.

What should I do? Many times, he said to me, I should show initiative because he is not good at it. But he was, he was initiative.

The other thing which bothered me is that one day he was telling me that there are always women around him, the other day – that he is so insecure and women do not want to be with him, and he is so happy we went so far. What was that?

I was brainstorming, it took all my mind. I did not know how to act and if I even should act. I did not know. I got angry, then miserable, again, angry, lost.

I decided to text him and asked out for the weekend. He excepted my invitation.

Getting Cold..

Getting Cold..

On Thursday, he sent me a trailer of a movie and suggested to watch it together. Of course, I was up to it.

I wanted to meet on Saturday, I wanted to spend the weekend with him.

Again, we met at my place. We were watching movie and talking a bit.

He was absent, you really know when it happens, he was somewhere else in his thoughts. I saw it in his eyes. In his eyes, I saw indifference. His touch was not that warm enough.

I tried to be calm. No panic. I just think too much.

But we texted less and less recently. There appeared days, when we did not text at all.

The reason for it can be different, busy, problems, sports, etc.

But my guts say it is something else, he is getting cold. I do not see the spark in his eyes any more.

and only one question in my head: whyyyyyyy? I am so much into you…