I was doing sightseeing and my mood was down. I met a Brazilian man who was also travelling on his own. We talked a lot and we started discussing private life. I told him what was torturing me so badly. He wanted to support me but he could not. He openly said that my situation looked bad… that why on earth Luno cannot join me or invite me there.
We all knew why, but I was the only one who rejected the truth, I did not want to see it.
The last chance was to talk the next day. The final talk which will determine the future…
The first day away felt very empty. It was this scary silence which is so heavy. I did not want to hear the voices in my head which were very evil to me and my feeling. I tried to go to bed as early as possible.
The other 2 days went really well, I was at the beach, doing sightseeing, I was very busy with anything else but thinking of the situation with Luno.
The last 2 days of the trip I spent close to the home town of Luno. And… by chance… he was there those days with his brother-in-law. only 30 minutes drive from me.
My head became heavier than before… I tried to do sightseeing, but it was difficult to consentrate. He was so close, and he did not want to meet… well, he said that he would invite me to join, but as I want to be on my own for now, he respects it, and the next day when he drives back he will pick me up.
Yes, this meant that he gonna go to the party on that Saturday night with his friends, and I will be so close to him and alone… I still did not want to see what was going on…
I felt so relieved when I met his friends. I felt that Luno feels comfortable about introducing me to his friends. It is in a way unspoken acceptance, unspoken step forward.
Nevertheless, I had a terrible feeling. I did not understand why, but I had a sensation that something is going on. but what? and why I have these thoughts? No clue.
I had a business trip to the north of the country for a day, but I decide to travel there for almost a week. I just wanted to be face to face to my feelings, listen to what my heart and my soul were telling me.. and what they were whispering to me was not nice…
It was Monday, the next day was a national holiday. I decided to be proactive and ask about his plans. He did not hurry with the answer, then he said that we can go to 2 different parties, and people there are very open-minded and they lived abroad. It felt strange because the fact that I am a foreigner was obviously some kind of a problem for him…
But we went to a party, and it was amazing, I had a great time, and finally.. I met some of his friends. I felt inspired, I felt happy, I felt he is becoming serious about me.
Our communication from the very beginning was full of alert signs which I did not see, or better to say which i simply ignored…
At some point, I started talking to the host and one more man. They were smart, they had great social skills and amazing sense of humour. I had great time with them. and honestly, I tried to impress them… so that my Luno will be proud of me…
When we were walking home, Luno said that the host and the other man I talked to are bad people, well, bad towards women, they are players, they do terrible things behind back, and that I should stay away from them…
Hmmm… I did not really care because I was with Luno, I just had a nice conversation… And why on earth telling me about their dark sides if I asked nothing about them?
First f all, as many posts will be about that man, I decided to give him a name or nickname, whatever – Luno. That’s a mixture of letter from his real name and very close to ‘lunatic’ which also describes him well.
So, my dear Luno had problems with a flat. His ex did not want to leave the apartment which he owned. He was very calm about it, and I was sincerely not understanding what on earth is going on. As far as I know, they were not together for almost 8 months. Further more, if you break up with someone, staying in the apartment is for sure a strange way to deal with the whole thing… Another thing, why let a woman stay in the flat and be basically homeless because he did not want to leave with her anymore, which is very much understandable after a break up.
So, he found a flat to rent, really expensive, basically some of my friends’ month salary is the price of the apartment’s rent… Hmmm… So he could afford to pay two extremely expensive places, but he could not afford to pay me a dinner or even a stay in the farm. No, I am not a gold digger, but as my income is very low, and if man actually can afford moer than normally, why not to make some input…
And of course the location of the flat… It was close to the place where his own apartment was. As he said, it was a pure accident, he just found a place there which was affordable and nice.
Damn… it all was months ago, and I hate that f”’cking piece of sh’t!!!!!!!!!!
We woke up and went for a walk. When we were back, we got some passion going on. What he said to me was insane:
-So you took condoms. It means that you expected something.
-Well, everything could happen.
-And I did not take at all. I did not expect.
Again, I was a bad person, I expected something, and he is an angel, who did not consider anything happening. It went even more insane:
-How many did you take?
-10. A pack.
-You came to this country to fu’k..
That is exactly what you say when you are in bed with woman who actually takes care of her health… The desire went away.
-You are really tight there, young boys gonna be crazy about it, but I am experienced man, I can separate sex and the rest.
I left for my room and fell asleep.
Yes, the morning started from his figures inside.
That was probably the most pleasant moment of the day. We went to the beach, but he was cold and distant, we was far away in his thoughts and I simply did not know what to do and how to react. He was telling me that he wants back to indonesia from where he just return, people are so nice there and everything has soul, not like here. I was pretty much confused as it related in a way to me. It literarily meant I am not good enough. That was a strange moment to experience with a man who put some effort to get you and took for a weekend away.
Things were just getting worse, I really regretted that I did not have a chance to escape because the place was absolutely isolated and I do not drive.
At some point, he completely ignore me. It was tough to handle because there were only 2 people in the house: me and he… There were even some aggressive moments. I was very surprised to see him like that, he turned to me another side.
I was getting tired, and I went to bed. He came to wish me a good night as we still spelt in separate rooms.
And things just happened, our first time was awkward… when everything finished, he said that it happened too soon. Well, we knew each other for 8 months although I was in another country and we spent 2 weeks together before it all happened. Not that soon I guess… Again, because of that small phase I felt bad. Again, I was not good enough. I was a slut, I was an easy girl