The Magic Happened

The Magic Happened

We met for the second time. He was very nice and attentive. He was not the most handsome man at all. But his manners were ones of a gentleman. He was smart, with good sense of humour, stylish, and a sporty body, and a good job.

I did not know his age. He avoided telling me. My guess is 37-42. I don’t know, well.. I did not know.

Our dinner was short because he had to go and finish his work before the business trip. He was texting me the whole night so much he wants to see me again. He was telling me how sorry he is our ‘meeting’ was shot.

We met on Friday evening, he came to pick me up for the dinner straight from the airport. He was exhausted, yet, wanted to see me. That was the highlight of our time together, that was the moment when I melted and started having doubts that I should stay away.

He was a gentleman, he did not push me to anything. We just kissed till 4 a.m. at the beach.

May Update: Being in Another Country

May Update: Being in Another Country

I did not write anything for a while. You remember about my leg trauma, new commitments for being healthy both physically and psychologically, and staying for several months in another country.

My leg is so much better, almost recovered, although with some remarks.

I am in my favourite country, like I planned. I was so happy be here!

I was happy for a while…  I am getting bored… I am tired of being a good girl… I am bored… I am afraid to loose control and get wild again.

But I nee adrenaline in my blood… I am so scared of that feeling. It can bring me back to that broken and self-distractive state.  It will for sure. Will I be able to resist?

Temptation

Temptation

This was expected to happen. Spanish guy texted and offered to have sex. I don’t know why I am surprised about it. Maybe because I draw some lines for myself, which include not having sex with a man who is not interested in me. I am angry at him, and at the same time I want to do it. Yes, it is a normal reaction from my side. I just should resist, but there is a problem. I damaged my leg two weeks ago, and it is not improving. This week was home all the time, I am bored and angry that I can’t do what I got used to do – sports, going out, meeting friends, even normal food shopping. I hardly talked to any person. At any other moment, it will be so easy to say ‘no’, but not now. He tried to persuade me already twice, I managed to refuse. If he asks for the third time, I will agree…

I know I shouldn’t.. But why not? We already crossed the line, and this time won’t change anything. Any way, I am in the process of recovery and all my promises/borderlines will be in force as soon as I am back to normal life… Damn…

Holding Myself Not To Text

Holding Myself Not To Text

Last weekend, I was out. On the way to the club, I saw him with another woman. Well.. I think I saw… I am not sure. That is the problem that I see him everywhere… because he is on my mind 24/7, but the main thing, I did not text him or call. I really had to take an effort not to.. It is much easier now, but still. It is fine now, but what may happen tomorrow.

Last weekend, I was out. As I already told you, I am an emotional person, and  after a couple of drinks I can call. I know only weak people do this. And I am weak right now. So I wanted to play it safe… I took my old phone and old SIM-card, which means that only my friends know it and only to my friends I can call! That was an absolute win-win situation. I am weak but I did a strong act over myself. That’s a new beginning. At least I hope it is.

Will I ever be loved?

Will I ever be loved?

It is killing me that he does not care. He is cold, and with his behaviour he was just screaming: I don’t need you!

Finally, I let it go. At least, I hope I did.

Gradually, I start realizing that when is the time to give up.

The other thing which I recently realized.. is that there was no man who was in love with me. I was dating, I was seeing someone, but they never treat me seriously. Some of them told me that they did, but it was a lie. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am educated, quite good-looking, I take care of myself, I do care of my reputation. But that’s not enough obviously.

They so easily lost interest and they so easily walked away. I never could stuck in any one’s hear..

I heard that if you don’t love yourself, no one will. Maybe I just don’t love myself? Maybe I simply don’t appreciate myself?

For now, I need to overcome the pain and learn to love myself…

“I am only happy when it rains”

“I am only happy when it rains”

There is much happened. I don’t want to go into details.

Things got complicated, strange, and painfully clear.

With all his behaviour, he was telling me that he accepts my attraction, but where did his go?

I also was thinking why he. He is not the most handsome, he is not the smartest, his social skills are much to be desired. But still…

At some point, I started thinking that he simply triggered the memories about the man I loved a bit less than 6 years ago.

This weekend I realise that this guy does not trigger anything, he is just a similar person, complicated, lost, undetermined. For some reason, I can’t resist this type of men. I love the mystery, I love mixture. He could easily be one of the Dostoevsky’s character. Such type of people are in crowd, but lonely, they are attentive, but they don’t care, they are cold, they are indifferent. They make your heart sank.

I know pretty soon that this will not last, but I can’t stay away. There is some masochistic act in it, absolutely. Bittersweet pain, which is cured in bed. Cured… or like a drug, makes me feel better for a while, and then makes craving for him even more.

Thoughts, Culture, Attitude

Thoughts, Culture, Attitude

A week passed, and he did not send me a message. Neither did I.

But as I said, there are some things at my place, which belong to him. I do not have a big desire to keep him. Understandably, his belonings remind me of him, they just burn my eyes, mind, and heart, and I want to get rid of them as soon as possible.

I keep questioning what went wrong. Why did things go weird?

It would not be a problem, but the last lime when I was sincerely into someone was 6 years ago! 6 long years my mind and heart was empty, I was like a robot. Yes, I had relationships, but it was a technical thing, nothing personal. And… after 6 ever-lasting years, he got into my heart without any warning. And like in a good melodrama, he does not care..

A week passed, and I decided to text him. I wanted to be an adult, and my message was friendly. I asked how he is doing and informed that his things are at my place. He replied that he is fine and that we did not meet for a week, and he put sad smiles. Of course, he asked how I was doing and why I was silent for a week. I answered that I am still waiting for an invitation to the cinema (we planned to go, but never actually did). This weird correspondence continued, and he suggested to go to movies this week. I said ok. Neither day or movie was suggested. It was more like a good manner.

There is one thing I want to explain. The country I live in is a bit different in the sense that women here are very independent and they tend to take initiative with men. Men, on the opposite, are very patient, and they follow the initiator. Of course, not everyone, but majority. It is not a bad thing, it is just so different from what I have used to. May this be a problem?