I woke up on Monday morning really relaxed and I did not care much of him. I was very surprised that he texted me at 11 asking how I am doing, how I slept, of course he used all this kissing smilies. Hmmm… I ready had a concern, and the main ting I was surprised about him texting me as I pretty much thought that it all was an end. But it turned out that it wasn’t.
He asked when we could meet and that he misses me very much. I said Tuesday.
On Tuesday, things were nice. Then, he had a trip for Madrid. I had some strange feeling. No, it was not love or anything close to it, it was some dependence, attachment. Not a good one, more like an addiction to a drug, which makes you feel good but ruins you at the end. Yes, it was that…
I was begging him to meet on Friday, when he is back. I felt he is sleaping away, but I was already addicted…
By the way, I don’t remember if I told you this or not. There was a strange story about his apartment, I will tell more next tim!
I woke up because he entered the room. I am super low energy in the morning, I slept little and I hardly could open my eyes.
I was under the blanket, he came near, but above the blanket. He kissed me and wished good morning, he said he really liked me without make-up.
It was cold in the room, and he asked if he can get under the blanket. I said no because I did not have panties on. I told it to him.
His hand slided under the blanket, he got under my T-shirt, touching my breast. He slowly was moving down to my belly, he stopped there for a while. Then, his hand continued moving lower…
When he ‘arrived’ there, I was completely wet and I was craving for him to touch me there, inside. He knew that, and he did it. I got crazy. It was amazing to feel his fingers inside. He let me come. He did not ask anything in return, and we left for breakfast.
We met for the second time. He was very nice and attentive. He was not the most handsome man at all. But his manners were ones of a gentleman. He was smart, with good sense of humour, stylish, and a sporty body, and a good job.
I did not know his age. He avoided telling me. My guess is 37-42. I don’t know, well.. I did not know.
Our dinner was short because he had to go and finish his work before the business trip. He was texting me the whole night so much he wants to see me again. He was telling me how sorry he is our ‘meeting’ was shot.
We met on Friday evening, he came to pick me up for the dinner straight from the airport. He was exhausted, yet, wanted to see me. That was the highlight of our time together, that was the moment when I melted and started having doubts that I should stay away.
He was a gentleman, he did not push me to anything. We just kissed till 4 a.m. at the beach.
I did not write anything for a while. You remember about my leg trauma, new commitments for being healthy both physically and psychologically, and staying for several months in another country.
My leg is so much better, almost recovered, although with some remarks.
I am in my favourite country, like I planned. I was so happy be here!
I was happy for a while… I am getting bored… I am tired of being a good girl… I am bored… I am afraid to loose control and get wild again.
But I nee adrenaline in my blood… I am so scared of that feeling. It can bring me back to that broken and self-distractive state. It will for sure. Will I be able to resist?
This was expected to happen. Spanish guy texted and offered to have sex. I don’t know why I am surprised about it. Maybe because I draw some lines for myself, which include not having sex with a man who is not interested in me. I am angry at him, and at the same time I want to do it. Yes, it is a normal reaction from my side. I just should resist, but there is a problem. I damaged my leg two weeks ago, and it is not improving. This week was home all the time, I am bored and angry that I can’t do what I got used to do – sports, going out, meeting friends, even normal food shopping. I hardly talked to any person. At any other moment, it will be so easy to say ‘no’, but not now. He tried to persuade me already twice, I managed to refuse. If he asks for the third time, I will agree…
I know I shouldn’t.. But why not? We already crossed the line, and this time won’t change anything. Any way, I am in the process of recovery and all my promises/borderlines will be in force as soon as I am back to normal life… Damn…
Last weekend, I was out. On the way to the club, I saw him with another woman. Well.. I think I saw… I am not sure. That is the problem that I see him everywhere… because he is on my mind 24/7, but the main thing, I did not text him or call. I really had to take an effort not to.. It is much easier now, but still. It is fine now, but what may happen tomorrow.
Last weekend, I was out. As I already told you, I am an emotional person, and after a couple of drinks I can call. I know only weak people do this. And I am weak right now. So I wanted to play it safe… I took my old phone and old SIM-card, which means that only my friends know it and only to my friends I can call! That was an absolute win-win situation. I am weak but I did a strong act over myself. That’s a new beginning. At least I hope it is.
It is killing me that he does not care. He is cold, and with his behaviour he was just screaming: I don’t need you!
Finally, I let it go. At least, I hope I did.
Gradually, I start realizing that when is the time to give up.
The other thing which I recently realized.. is that there was no man who was in love with me. I was dating, I was seeing someone, but they never treat me seriously. Some of them told me that they did, but it was a lie. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am educated, quite good-looking, I take care of myself, I do care of my reputation. But that’s not enough obviously.
They so easily lost interest and they so easily walked away. I never could stuck in any one’s hear..
I heard that if you don’t love yourself, no one will. Maybe I just don’t love myself? Maybe I simply don’t appreciate myself?
For now, I need to overcome the pain and learn to love myself…