Luno was late, almost 2 hours late than he promised.
When he arrived, he was not alone. He was with his brother-in-law and their common friend. It was very awkward moment because I planned to talk but it was not possible. And it was strange to be with 2 unknown man in the car for 2 hours. But everyone was nice, and it went smoothly, we even got some good laugh.
We arrived and had a small talk with the guys. The bother in law aske Luno in their own language which I hardly speak:
- So what is the plan?
- (Luno:) She is only 30, and in autumn her visa expires and she goes back
I thought I did not understand it correctly, I still was ignoring obvious things, I still preferred to life in lies… I listened, but I did not hear the truth…
I was doing sightseeing and my mood was down. I met a Brazilian man who was also travelling on his own. We talked a lot and we started discussing private life. I told him what was torturing me so badly. He wanted to support me but he could not. He openly said that my situation looked bad… that why on earth Luno cannot join me or invite me there.
We all knew why, but I was the only one who rejected the truth, I did not want to see it.
The last chance was to talk the next day. The final talk which will determine the future…
The first day away felt very empty. It was this scary silence which is so heavy. I did not want to hear the voices in my head which were very evil to me and my feeling. I tried to go to bed as early as possible.
The other 2 days went really well, I was at the beach, doing sightseeing, I was very busy with anything else but thinking of the situation with Luno.
The last 2 days of the trip I spent close to the home town of Luno. And… by chance… he was there those days with his brother-in-law. only 30 minutes drive from me.
My head became heavier than before… I tried to do sightseeing, but it was difficult to consentrate. He was so close, and he did not want to meet… well, he said that he would invite me to join, but as I want to be on my own for now, he respects it, and the next day when he drives back he will pick me up.
Yes, this meant that he gonna go to the party on that Saturday night with his friends, and I will be so close to him and alone… I still did not want to see what was going on…
I felt so relieved when I met his friends. I felt that Luno feels comfortable about introducing me to his friends. It is in a way unspoken acceptance, unspoken step forward.
Nevertheless, I had a terrible feeling. I did not understand why, but I had a sensation that something is going on. but what? and why I have these thoughts? No clue.
I had a business trip to the north of the country for a day, but I decide to travel there for almost a week. I just wanted to be face to face to my feelings, listen to what my heart and my soul were telling me.. and what they were whispering to me was not nice…
It was Monday, the next day was a national holiday. I decided to be proactive and ask about his plans. He did not hurry with the answer, then he said that we can go to 2 different parties, and people there are very open-minded and they lived abroad. It felt strange because the fact that I am a foreigner was obviously some kind of a problem for him…
But we went to a party, and it was amazing, I had a great time, and finally.. I met some of his friends. I felt inspired, I felt happy, I felt he is becoming serious about me.
Our communication from the very beginning was full of alert signs which I did not see, or better to say which i simply ignored…
At some point, I started talking to the host and one more man. They were smart, they had great social skills and amazing sense of humour. I had great time with them. and honestly, I tried to impress them… so that my Luno will be proud of me…
When we were walking home, Luno said that the host and the other man I talked to are bad people, well, bad towards women, they are players, they do terrible things behind back, and that I should stay away from them…
Hmmm… I did not really care because I was with Luno, I just had a nice conversation… And why on earth telling me about their dark sides if I asked nothing about them?
Just before leaving the place, he turned out to be in bed. Again, he started telling me strange things:
– This moment was nice, even if it will never repeat again.
What the hell!! Yes, this is the thing you tell to a woman a minute after you were so close. yep.. He continued his marvellous speech
– Ocean, this farm, you, me. All so perfect, the moment. No future, no past. and there wont be any future.
I got super upset with these words. Indeed, we don’t know what gonna happen tomorrow. Indeed, it is very unlikely that we will get married and start a family. Even the fact of being a boyfriend and a girl friend is pretty much under the question, but still… Very strange phrase at the beginning of our communication…
I just decided to think about my work and studies rather than a man whose mood is shifting much more often than mine… And of course, on the way back, he was nice again. He was so caring and attentive, he was holding my hand, kissing me. And I was happy to be with him again.
Yes, the morning started from his figures inside.
That was probably the most pleasant moment of the day. We went to the beach, but he was cold and distant, we was far away in his thoughts and I simply did not know what to do and how to react. He was telling me that he wants back to indonesia from where he just return, people are so nice there and everything has soul, not like here. I was pretty much confused as it related in a way to me. It literarily meant I am not good enough. That was a strange moment to experience with a man who put some effort to get you and took for a weekend away.
Things were just getting worse, I really regretted that I did not have a chance to escape because the place was absolutely isolated and I do not drive.
At some point, he completely ignore me. It was tough to handle because there were only 2 people in the house: me and he… There were even some aggressive moments. I was very surprised to see him like that, he turned to me another side.
I was getting tired, and I went to bed. He came to wish me a good night as we still spelt in separate rooms.
And things just happened, our first time was awkward… when everything finished, he said that it happened too soon. Well, we knew each other for 8 months although I was in another country and we spent 2 weeks together before it all happened. Not that soon I guess… Again, because of that small phase I felt bad. Again, I was not good enough. I was a slut, I was an easy girl