Taking Care of Myself

Taking Care of Myself

My last post was about feeling a devil inside. It was crazy, and self-destructive in a way. More than a week ago, I was out. Crazy dancing, much alcohol, flirting with man, tell lies about who I am, etc. Most of people did the same, but in a younger age. I am so delayed with all that. The night was insane. On the way home, I fell and hurt my knee and leg so badly. I still hardly can work, and the bruise is huge! I just hope it all will go away in a couple of weeks… In the morning, to top it all, I had sex with a Spanish guy. Yes, it’s insane. I was so much in pain, and he was so much hangover, but we still did it. What is more insane, we did not spend the night together, he came in the morning…That was the result, the pick of self-destruction which was not only mental any more. It got physical.

How unfair and disrespectful it is towards myself. I fully understand it, but I feel nothing, I don’t feel good, and I don’t feel bad. I am numb. I need a break from parties. I need to take care of myself. So quickly, I made a circle and returned to the stage when I was writing about self-care. I have to be back on track. I need to it healthy, to dress beautifully, to have positive thoughts, and RESPECT MYSELF. If I do not respect myself, no one will. The fact.

I still have a strange attitude to men, I still want to revenge them. For now, I call to my common sense and stay away from men. I can’t predict how well it will go, but I will try.

There are 2 decisions I came up :

  1. no alcohol any more. I will stick to 0 or maximum 1 glass of wine. I drink only when I go out, so during working days, it is not a problem at all. What’s gonna happen, when I will go out? No clue… But I made my decision.
  2. no sex. No, I am not becoming a nun. No sex with random people, sex only with a man for whom I have feelings and who feels the same to me. Then, it is right, then, it is not sex, it is the physical expression of feelings.

This is my philosophy for now.

Devil Inside

Devil Inside

I still think of him.. It is not any more obsession I had about him, but he is still on my mind. He is piercing me all through still. I feel it less and less, I am progressing. I am coping. As I told you in a previous post, I stuck. No motivation, no strength to move forward.

There is one thought I caught myself on… It is a crazy thought. It is not my thought. I can’t have it on my mind, at least I never had before. I just wanna f#ck around.It is insane because I am absolutely a ‘good girl’ type. I never even did one night stands. It is not my thing. It was not. I am so tired of being good, polite. I am tired of being an angel. Men don’t respect angels. I wanna go on a dark side now. I want to make them crazy about me. I want them crave for me. I want them to beg me stay but I won’t. I am not any more afraid to hurt people because they are not afraid to hurt me. I just want to do what I feel like and not depend on anyone’s opinion. There is a devil inside me, and always been. I should say my parents did a great work to suppress it. But I am done. I am done with being nice. I am done with being used. It is time to switch the side.

No News

No News

A couple of week passed. I was not in touch with that man since my last post. I was not in touch with any other man either. This is going as planned. I need to stay away from men from awhile till I get myself back…

I just realised the other fields of life are in mess. I did not really cared of my job, about other necessary things. And I got a flu. The life stopped.

My plan was to take care and progress at work and in self-development, but I stuck. Am I depressed? I hope not. But I have the symptoms.. What is happening. This guy really damaged me. I thought it is not that bad, but I should admit, it actually hurt me so badly.

I stopped exercising, I cat say I care much of my appearance. I stuck on each field. I do not progress. I do not go further. What should I do? Where do I start to cure myself?

Tomorrow, I will wake up and do yoga. Yoga and green tea will be my cure. Mental go physical and physical go mental. If I care of my body, my soul will be cured, too. I hope it will…

Strange Men Around

Strange Men Around

As I already mentioned in my previous posts, I decided to stay away from men for awhile and take care of myself. And I follow my plan.

A while ago, in summer, on Instagram I got a message from a man. He is a professor in my favourite country, he lived sometime in the country I live now, and he is in love with my home country (sounds a bit complex, sorry!). We started chatting and he added me on facebook. We had short conversations, nothing personal, more related to the academic life.

Two weeks ago, that man texted me and informed that will be a visiting professor for a week in the country I live, and he asked if I have time to meet and chat. On Friday last week, I was in that city (it is very close to the city I live in) and I said that we can meet. For me it was all a friendly meeting with the smart educated man I never saw in my life. So, I did not consider the meeting romantic in any away.

We met in a cafe, and he said he will pay my coffee. I wanted to pay myself, but I accepted his offer because the sum was minimal and it is normal for men to pay for a woman in his country. We had a really nice conversation about academic life in general. He was easy to communicate with, again I did not consider him as a potential affair because he was simply not in my taste, he was too old for me (14 years older) and because I needed time to be alone. More than enough.

But something went wrong! No, not from my side! I missed the point when a friendly meeting turned to a date! I felt awkward! I did not know how to react!

So, I said to him that my bus leaves in 2 hours. He said that I should eat something before that. Make sense, right? He pushed me to go to a restaurant instead of grabbing a sandwich. Well.. ok… it is a proper meal then. He pushed into taking a glass of wine with the meal, it is Friday after all! Time to pay has come. Of course, I planned to pay my part myself. But he did not allow. The waiter came, and the situation got really awkward. I was forced to accept that he pays.. That was a real psychological game going on…

After he paid, he took my hand and started telling me how awesome I am, how happy he is to meet me, that I am smart and beautiful and.. he feels strong connection between us.

WHAAAAAT? I do not feel any connection, I feel ANTIconnection after those words. I was so shocked and I remained silent.. He continued his speech that he wants to read the books I read and other bullsh#t. Of course, he wanted me to stay and not go back. I had a second to create a reason I need to go. I do not even remember what I came up with. Does not matter.

Luckily, it was the time to go to the bus station. He wanted to go there with me, I was telling him that there is no need, but he was very pushy.

Damn… the bus is laaaaaateeee! I want to leave now!!!!

Then, he hugged me and try to kiss, I turned away. He kept hugging me, I squeezed out from his hand. It all was happening in a crowded place. I did not want to him to approach me but he did not read the message. He continued interfering my private space and I continued to push him away. It was so awkward. I did not want to make a scene in a public place.

The bus came, and he hugged me again, saying that he adores me so much and then he said: “It was clear it’s gonna work for us already before, but now I am sure. I am back in April, and we must do something together then”. WHAAAT?

I have 2 explanations: either he is mental or he is a terrible manipulative person. He is so smart and educated that I hardly believe that he did not realize what he was doing. His social skills are also fine, we met so many his friends, and they were really happy yo see him.

It is unbelievable but he exactly reminded me my ex who was telling me the same loud word so quickly. This type of men have women in different cities and actively bullsh#t to them, so that next time they are in town they have a quality company.

What really surprises me is their self-esteem! They think if they tell a woman that they are seriously interested, the woman will met down… sorry, no!!!! Women are different, and nowadays to get married is not the main goal.  More then that… Have you seen yourself in a mirror? I am not attracted!

Unlike my ex, this man was even more dangerous because he was super good in manipulations. He gradually turned a friend-type meeting into a date.. and he did a lot to suppress my will!

And yes, the blame is on me, too. I should have been stronger! He just noticed that I am a nice person who does not make scenes in public and who is very soft. I can’t believe I let it happen. This just supports what my friends told me: “There are always weird men around you”. I have to admit, yes, there are. And the problem is that I let it happen. I do need time to make myself stronger, so this will never happen again.


Holding Myself Not To Text

Holding Myself Not To Text

Last weekend, I was out. On the way to the club, I saw him with another woman. Well.. I think I saw… I am not sure. That is the problem that I see him everywhere… because he is on my mind 24/7, but the main thing, I did not text him or call. I really had to take an effort not to.. It is much easier now, but still. It is fine now, but what may happen tomorrow.

Last weekend, I was out. As I already told you, I am an emotional person, and  after a couple of drinks I can call. I know only weak people do this. And I am weak right now. So I wanted to play it safe… I took my old phone and old SIM-card, which means that only my friends know it and only to my friends I can call! That was an absolute win-win situation. I am weak but I did a strong act over myself. That’s a new beginning. At least I hope it is.

Will I ever be loved?

Will I ever be loved?

It is killing me that he does not care. He is cold, and with his behaviour he was just screaming: I don’t need you!

Finally, I let it go. At least, I hope I did.

Gradually, I start realizing that when is the time to give up.

The other thing which I recently realized.. is that there was no man who was in love with me. I was dating, I was seeing someone, but they never treat me seriously. Some of them told me that they did, but it was a lie. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I am educated, quite good-looking, I take care of myself, I do care of my reputation. But that’s not enough obviously.

They so easily lost interest and they so easily walked away. I never could stuck in any one’s hear..

I heard that if you don’t love yourself, no one will. Maybe I just don’t love myself? Maybe I simply don’t appreciate myself?

For now, I need to overcome the pain and learn to love myself…

“I am only happy when it rains”

“I am only happy when it rains”

There is much happened. I don’t want to go into details.

Things got complicated, strange, and painfully clear.

With all his behaviour, he was telling me that he accepts my attraction, but where did his go?

I also was thinking why he. He is not the most handsome, he is not the smartest, his social skills are much to be desired. But still…

At some point, I started thinking that he simply triggered the memories about the man I loved a bit less than 6 years ago.

This weekend I realise that this guy does not trigger anything, he is just a similar person, complicated, lost, undetermined. For some reason, I can’t resist this type of men. I love the mystery, I love mixture. He could easily be one of the Dostoevsky’s character. Such type of people are in crowd, but lonely, they are attentive, but they don’t care, they are cold, they are indifferent. They make your heart sank.

I know pretty soon that this will not last, but I can’t stay away. There is some masochistic act in it, absolutely. Bittersweet pain, which is cured in bed. Cured… or like a drug, makes me feel better for a while, and then makes craving for him even more.