We all had moments when absolutely everything goes wrong: work, relationships, health, friends. I am exactly on the same phase right now. Relationship sucks, or I basically have none. My work contract ends in May, and no other job is found. My leg is still not fine, and my friends hardly understand what I am going through. I am not depressed, I just feel that I stuck, I do not develop, I do not move on.
Way out? To quite the job a bit earlier than the contract ends and go to my favourite country for 2 months. Crazy? Yes! It is a financial suicide, but I just take this risk no matter what. There are only few people know about this, and none of them is my friend… I don’t want them to know anything.
This is insane what I am doing. I do not have any plans what I gonna do there, I do not expect anything. I simply want to be away for a while. I do need to be away.
Yesterday, I texted to the guy and asked his plans for the evening as I planned before. I really needed to see his reaction. I don’t know what I expected because we broke up not in the nicest way.
He replied that he is going to housewarming party, and he asked about my leg. That was basically all the conversation we had. He did not suggest another day to meet, neither did I. It is all clear, everything is over and not gonna return. Strange feeling. It brings be back to the question if I ever will be loved. For now, it seems that I just walk in circles, back and forth.
I could be in a low mood the whole evening, thinking what is wrong in me. Luckily, my friends came over and saved me from unpleasant thoughts.
As you know, I got a terrible injury to my leg almost 3 weeks ago. It is hardly healing, so all activities like shopping and go errands are not possible. I also live in the country, where people are very distant, and even friends hardly visit me… I ran out of food, and I got tired with the sh#tty food from a small near-by shop, the only place to which I could get.
So, I texted the guy whom I met on the New Year, yep… I know it was a wrong thing to do, but he is the only one who usually does have time. We agreed that on Tuesday he will drive me to the shop. I was quite surprised that he agreed and even answered, considering how badly he parted.
When he saw how damaged my leg was, he became so caring. In the shop, I was basically sitting while he picked the products from my shopping list. We laughed a lot, the trip turned out to be a great fun. Of course, the main reason was that it was so nice to be out of the flat. Secondly, I was not any more embarrassed talking to him, I was myself.
He drove me back and carried my bags up. When he was leaving, he said that he will help me for sure again, and if I need to go somewhere I should ask him for help. We hugged as friends. He left me with absolute piece inside. This is the feeling I remember from the beginning of our short relationships.
Damn… I keep up thinking of him. He was so nice, and that’s the problem. I don’t want to misinterpret his niceness. I plan to ask him to come over and watch a movie this Friday. This is the only time when I can use my leg as an excuse, I need a company. His reaction I wait most, if he will want it or not. The problem is that now it can really work for us, I am very calm and not overexcited about him. Let’s wait till Friday.. Its already tomorrow.
I resisted! Well… I am lying. He just went back to his city, and this saved from a mistake. I would have felt worse after that. Enough self-destruction!
Friday evening. I am home alone with my crazy thoughts. It is exactly one of those moments when I start thinking a lot and it goes all wrong way. I haven’t had these moments for a long time. My leg is not fine, it is not recovering. I have to take care of it, so that it is fine, to look at its size, color, temperature. I am scared like small children are, but they have their mummy next to them to say that everything will be alright.
I can call to my mom via skype, but I don’t want to. Then, I will have to tell her that I am not fine. She will ask why and how it happened. And I don’t want to tell how, I don’t want to worry her. She will be so worried that it will only make me feel worse and more scared. I know it sounds strange, but my mom always strengthen my feelings. It is good when I am happy, but when I am scared or depressed, it doesn’t help.
I blame myself in what has happened to me. I just hope it is a good lesson, and I will recover soon! Only getting in these kind of troubles, when I just sit at home (I hardly can walk) and worry, I realised what a great life I had, I could go to work, to do food shopping, go the the bank, post office. It is a real happiness! I know it sounds strange. We are tired of those things, we hate them. But I changed my mind now. Those thing are real life, yes, hectic, but it is happiness just to walk…
I want to share the lesson I just learnt! The life is great, and the most important thing is heath! Never complain as long as you are healthy, and you can afford to buy at least bread!
This was expected to happen. Spanish guy texted and offered to have sex. I don’t know why I am surprised about it. Maybe because I draw some lines for myself, which include not having sex with a man who is not interested in me. I am angry at him, and at the same time I want to do it. Yes, it is a normal reaction from my side. I just should resist, but there is a problem. I damaged my leg two weeks ago, and it is not improving. This week was home all the time, I am bored and angry that I can’t do what I got used to do – sports, going out, meeting friends, even normal food shopping. I hardly talked to any person. At any other moment, it will be so easy to say ‘no’, but not now. He tried to persuade me already twice, I managed to refuse. If he asks for the third time, I will agree…
I know I shouldn’t.. But why not? We already crossed the line, and this time won’t change anything. Any way, I am in the process of recovery and all my promises/borderlines will be in force as soon as I am back to normal life… Damn…
My last post was about feeling a devil inside. It was crazy, and self-destructive in a way. More than a week ago, I was out. Crazy dancing, much alcohol, flirting with man, tell lies about who I am, etc. Most of people did the same, but in a younger age. I am so delayed with all that. The night was insane. On the way home, I fell and hurt my knee and leg so badly. I still hardly can work, and the bruise is huge! I just hope it all will go away in a couple of weeks… In the morning, to top it all, I had sex with a Spanish guy. Yes, it’s insane. I was so much in pain, and he was so much hangover, but we still did it. What is more insane, we did not spend the night together, he came in the morning…That was the result, the pick of self-destruction which was not only mental any more. It got physical.
How unfair and disrespectful it is towards myself. I fully understand it, but I feel nothing, I don’t feel good, and I don’t feel bad. I am numb. I need a break from parties. I need to take care of myself. So quickly, I made a circle and returned to the stage when I was writing about self-care. I have to be back on track. I need to it healthy, to dress beautifully, to have positive thoughts, and RESPECT MYSELF. If I do not respect myself, no one will. The fact.
I still have a strange attitude to men, I still want to revenge them. For now, I call to my common sense and stay away from men. I can’t predict how well it will go, but I will try.
There are 2 decisions I came up :
- no alcohol any more. I will stick to 0 or maximum 1 glass of wine. I drink only when I go out, so during working days, it is not a problem at all. What’s gonna happen, when I will go out? No clue… But I made my decision.
- no sex. No, I am not becoming a nun. No sex with random people, sex only with a man for whom I have feelings and who feels the same to me. Then, it is right, then, it is not sex, it is the physical expression of feelings.
This is my philosophy for now.
I still think of him.. It is not any more obsession I had about him, but he is still on my mind. He is piercing me all through still. I feel it less and less, I am progressing. I am coping. As I told you in a previous post, I stuck. No motivation, no strength to move forward.
There is one thought I caught myself on… It is a crazy thought. It is not my thought. I can’t have it on my mind, at least I never had before. I just wanna f#ck around.It is insane because I am absolutely a ‘good girl’ type. I never even did one night stands. It is not my thing. It was not. I am so tired of being good, polite. I am tired of being an angel. Men don’t respect angels. I wanna go on a dark side now. I want to make them crazy about me. I want them crave for me. I want them to beg me stay but I won’t. I am not any more afraid to hurt people because they are not afraid to hurt me. I just want to do what I feel like and not depend on anyone’s opinion. There is a devil inside me, and always been. I should say my parents did a great work to suppress it. But I am done. I am done with being nice. I am done with being used. It is time to switch the side.