Close to an End?

Things started going really strange after my question if we are a BF and a GF. He became mean… It was unbearable… He was hurting me and he knew what he was doing. He did it on purpose.

He could say that he misses me, and that he does not care and he says it because people fall for this sh#t…

I started going out with friends more and he stopped being the only person i was in touch. He started calling me a wh#re every time spent time with my friends.

I could not reply anything on that. I was suffering silently. I was too weak to react, I was too small and humilated to reply…


Are We a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend?

Are We a Boyfriend and a Girlfriend?

We came to his place, he carried out my lugguage to his place. I knew I needed to ask him about our status. I was scared, I gave myself 5 minutes more, then 5 minutes more. It was 30 minutes of time. I am still afraid, maybe because deep inside I knew the answer, I did not want to hear..

me – Are we a boyfriend and a girlfriend?

he – (silence)

me – People ask me if i have a boyfriend, and I dont know what to reply

he – you can reply whatever you want

me – and so?

he – well, you want me to be your boyfriend? (looking at me happily)

me – yes

he- you know, it is too soon to talk about it.  and i am not sure what i want at this stage.

Very clear answer which i ignore. Luno was very good at communication, he smoothed the awkward moment and made the situation chill and relaxed again..

And we ended up having the closest moment ever… in bed…

The Drive Back and Alert I Ignored

The Drive Back and Alert I Ignored

Luno was late, almost 2 hours late than he promised.

When he arrived, he was not alone. He was with his brother-in-law and their common friend. It was very awkward moment because I planned to talk but it was not possible. And it was strange to be with 2 unknown man in the car for 2 hours. But everyone was nice, and it went smoothly, we even got some good laugh.

We arrived and had a small talk with the guys. The bother in law aske Luno in their own language which I hardly speak:

  • So what is the plan?
  • (Luno:) She is only 30, and in autumn her visa expires and she goes back

I thought I did not understand it correctly, I still was ignoring obvious things, I still preferred to life in lies… I listened, but I did not hear the truth…

A Stranger Tries to Open My Eyes

A Stranger Tries to Open My Eyes

I was doing sightseeing and my mood was down. I met a Brazilian man who was also travelling on his own. We talked a lot and we started discussing private life. I told him what was torturing me so badly. He wanted to support me but he could not. He openly said that my situation looked bad… that why on earth Luno cannot join me or invite me there.

We all knew why, but I was the only one who rejected the truth, I did not want to see it.

The last chance was to talk the next day. The final talk which will determine the future…

Being Away and His Reaction

Being Away and His Reaction

The first day away felt very empty. It was this scary silence which is so heavy. I did not want to hear the voices in my head which were very evil to me and my feeling. I tried to go to bed as early as possible.

The other 2 days went really well, I was at the beach, doing sightseeing, I was very busy with anything else but thinking of the situation with Luno.

The last 2 days of the trip I spent close to the home town of Luno. And… by chance… he was there those days with his brother-in-law. only 30 minutes drive from me.

My head became heavier than before… I tried to do sightseeing, but it was difficult to consentrate. He was so close, and he did not want to meet… well, he said that he would invite me to join, but as I want to be on my own for now, he respects it, and the next day when he drives back he will pick me up.

Yes, this meant that he gonna go to the party on that Saturday night with his friends, and I will be so close to him and alone… I still did not want to see what was going on…

Mixed Feelings

Mixed Feelings

I felt so relieved when I met his friends. I felt that Luno feels comfortable about introducing me to his friends. It is in a way unspoken acceptance, unspoken step forward.

Nevertheless, I had a terrible feeling. I did not understand why, but I had a sensation that something is going on. but what? and why I have these thoughts? No clue.

I had a business trip to the north of the country for a day, but I decide to travel there for almost a week. I just wanted to be face to face to my feelings, listen to what my heart and my soul were telling me.. and what they were whispering to me was not nice…

Meeting His Friends! A Next Step?

Meeting His Friends! A Next Step?

It was Monday, the next day was a national holiday. I decided to be proactive and ask about his plans. He did not hurry with the answer, then he said that we can go to 2 different parties, and people there are very open-minded and they lived abroad. It felt strange because the fact that I am a foreigner was obviously some kind of a problem for him…

But we went to a party, and it was amazing, I had a great time, and finally.. I met some of his friends. I felt inspired, I felt happy, I felt he is becoming serious about me.


Our communication from the very beginning was full of alert signs which I did not see, or better to say which i simply ignored…

At some point, I started talking to the host and one more man. They were smart, they had great social skills and amazing sense of humour. I had great time with them. and honestly, I tried to impress them… so that my Luno will be proud of me…

When we were walking home, Luno said that the host and the other man I talked to are bad people, well, bad towards women, they are players, they do terrible things behind back, and that I should stay away from them…

Hmmm… I did not really care because I was with Luno, I just had a nice conversation… And why on earth telling me about their dark sides if I asked nothing about them?